My new Body

It took me a long time to get up the courage to write this post, and an even longer time to be okay enough with the situation to want to share.

I have never been thin.  Never.  When I was a baby my mom had issues with breastfeeding, so I was put on Formula, and ended up being a little butterball right from my earliest days.

  When I was 4 I was diagnosed with a very rare auto immune disease that I was treated with using Steroids, among other drugs, which plumped me up for several years.

When I was 12 I had a doctor take a look at my awful eczema all over my arms and legs, and proclaim he could cure it - putting me once again, on Steriods, which resulted in me gaining about 50 pounds in Junior High.  Since then, I have worked every day at trying to get it off again. 

I spent many years doing the Yo-yo thing, where my weight goes up, I fight it back down, a year later I'm up again.  It's exhausting. 

After so many years, as much as I wanted to be a smaller size of myself, I had sort of come to terms with my body - I was thick, with my semi flat stomach and bubble butt, my heavy legs and large arms, I knew my body, I knew which pants would work, which shirts to avoid, and had made peace with my shape. 

Then Inara came along. 

I had always thought that when my time came to be pregnant, that I would be pregnant EVERYWHERE.  Meaning I thought I would be one of those woman that get the very round face, and put on pounds on their arms, legs, bum, everything.  I was expecting to have to inform people of my pregnancy on a regular basis so they wouldn't mistake me for just being really over weight.  But much to my surprise - I didn't.  I was all belly.  You couldn't even tell I was pregnant from the back, and aside from not being able to close my pre-preggo pants in the front, I could still get them up and over the tush in the back.

Needless to say, I was pretty thrilled!  I kept thinking to myself that I would get rid of the weight in no time after Inara's birth, and that I would be back to toned and happy in a matter of weeks. 

Unfortunately what I didn't realize, was that my body would be changed forever.  Pregnancy, and then child birth re-arranges a few things on you.  The body you are left with, is not the same one you went into this whole experience with. 

The first, and most obvious change, was to my midsection.  Here's the thing about looking like you are carrying twins... it takes a LOT of skin to stretch out that far, and once the baby is out, and your uterus has shrunk back down, you are left with that skin - that sort of, deflated balloon paunch.  Mommy Tummy is a term you may have heard - this is what they are referring to.  9 months of stretching leaves  you with a lot of skin, and unfortunately it's all collected in a circle right around your belly button. 

It's one thing to lose pounds, and tone your muscles, but it takes a little longer to tighten skin.  Excercise and eating right, definitely helps, but it takes time.  I read a pregnancy book once that said 9 months to change your body, 9 months to put it back - so in thinking I could be in tip top shape just a few months after delivering my daughter was pretty naive of me. 

Another change I wasn't expecting, was the effect pregnancy had on my breasts.  Now I've never been large chested by any stretch of the imagination, but these days, I feel a little - deflated for lack of a better word.  At the beginning of my pregnancy I had jumped into another workout regime to get me in better shape and shed a few pounds, so I had my chest measurements taken down, and in those first few weeks I was thrilled to find my chest growing in inches, and I ended up growing a cup size, and sporting some full firm cleavage!  I knew they wouldn't last, I knew I would lose my awesome rack when Inara was born, but I thought I would go back to where I was, rather than end up with something completely new to me.  My breasts are squishy now, the firmness is gone, and I can no longer boast the cleavage I used to have without the help of a push up bra. 

Needless to say, this was a little difficult to deal with, and ended up being the cause of one of my breakdowns (see previous post).  After a shower one day, I put on a bra, and noticed the flatness of my breasts -  they didn't seem to be able to fill the bra cups anymore, and the curvature on the top was gone.  I cried.  It's a silly thing to cry about, but in those first few weeks when you don't feel like yourself anymore, its kind of sad to realize the body you once knew is gone too.  This was one of the main reasons I started opting for Sports Bra's.  A sports bra isn't made for cleavage and lift, it's made to support, and tightly flatten the girls down for any sort of activity you may throw at them, and I just needed to not notice my breasts at that point.  I even started sleeping in sports bra's, or t-shirts, just to hide my body away. 

Another change, was the lovely addition of stretch marks across my belly.  I had been doing so well, I went 36 weeks without so much as a mark, and then one day getting out of the shower I noticed a line on each side, the next day there were two, two days after that, 4.  They started sprouting up at an alarming rate in those last few weeks, and unfortunately, they don't vanish once the baby is born.  No, I still have them, and will always have them. 

Just below the stretch marks is my Cesarian scar.  My daughter's entry into the world.  A thick red curved line about 5 inches in length.  The skin around it is numb from my doctor cutting through the nerve endings.  

The night my water broke, I took a picture.  Just before heading to the hospital, I took one last shot of the belly in all it's glory:

At that point in time, I knew I was in for sleepless nights and crying babies, and more diaper changes than I knew what to do with, but I had no idea how much motherhood would change me. 

Once I was cleared to workout again 8 weeks postpartum, I got all set up, and took a bunch of before pictures so I could have something to look back at once I reached my goal, but I didn't workout that day.  I took one look at the pictures, and sat on the end of the bed and cried.  The extra skin from my pregnancy hung like a flap over my waist band, and the stretch marks were thick and purple all over my pale skin.  My breasts were small and flat, and I couldn't find one thing I loved about myself in those photos.  It was a hard day.  A day I wasn't expecting to be honest. 

Since that day, I've done a lot of work.  Work on my body, work on my diet, and mostly work on my self esteem.  I know I've grown a lot in the past couple months, and I think I'm now in a place where I'm not embarassed or ashamed of my new body, I'm proud. 

My body is amazing.  This body made the most perfect baby girl from scratch.  This body grew a person from a single cell.  This body was home to my daughter, it provided protection, and nutrients, it took care of her before I knew how.  My skin stretched as far as it needed to to hold my child, and the marks it bares are a symbol of it's strength.  This body created life, and not just any life - this body created the life of the most precious gift I have ever been given - this body created Inara.  And for that, I have nothing but love and gratitude for it.

This is my new body, it's not perfect, but it is Amazing.