You might be a new mother if....
... you meant to laugh, but instead you broke down into tears
You might be a new mother if....
.... someone asks you what's wrong, and you honestly have no idea
I could go on, but the point I'm making is that your emotions are no longer your own. If you thought pregnancy hormones were fun, you are in for the ride of your life when they suddenly crash in your system. It's a little like losing your mind, and having no way to explain what's going on to your loved ones.
They cutely call this Baby Blues, but I find this expression is not at all aptly named, sure my baby did have something to do with the current state of my emotions, but to say baby blues I think implies that you are in some way sad about baby, and that could not be further from the truth!
Here's a secret I'm going to share with you - every single new mom will have a break down at some point where all they are able to do for a little while is cry. This is NORMAL! What's not normal is feeling that way, not wanting to get out of bed, and regretting your little bundle of love or having some anger or hatred toward your child - this is cause for help, so please please call someone if you are ever feeling this way.
Sadly no one really talks about this because of the fear of showing the slightest emotion and having Child Services suddenly arrive at your door. I'm going to be honest - one night, I cried because Ben was so exhausted living on 4 hours of sleep a night, that he fell asleep on the couch right after dinner, and I didn't get to talk to him. I understood the situation, and I don't fault Ben at all - I would do the same, but I was just a little down that I didn't get to spend time with him, and to the post pardom body "a little down" turns into "cry for an hour". It's annoying to say the least.
Think about this, you see someone cry, and you immediately think something really horrible happened, but for a new mom, it could be as frivolous as dropping the only soother she brought with her, and she was just annoyed that she didn't bring a spare. The problem is, only new mom's understand it, anyone else would think "holy shit - this lady is completely unstable, there is no way they can care for their baby like this!". Even my own husband did a bunch of research on Post Pardem Depression when I admitted to him that I was having a rough day. I know one mother who was worried that if she showed the slightest emotion other than pure joy at all times her husband would have her admitted to a mental hospital, but unfortunately, attempting not to break down, has the opposite effect.
I feel I'm not doing a very good job of explaining what the hormone crash does to you, and how this is different from PPD. I love my daughter with all my heart, I smile ear to ear when I see her chubby cheeks, and when other people are holding her, I cant' wait to get her back to hug her again. I have hundreds of photos of her on my phone, and once I tuck her in, I often spend hours just looking at pictures and videos of her - She is the best thing I've done, and I'm constantly in disbelief that I made the most perfect little girl imaginable. However, I still have moments that make me break down in tears, and I can't explain why. I'm not depressed, I'm actually quite happy a lot of the time, but my emotions are all out of whack.
The other night I mentioned wanting to get up earlier to get a workout in before Inara was up for the day because I really don't have any excuse not to get it done, and Ben said that he was trying to encourage me to workout, but didn't want to come off as nagging me, and I said that I knew that and that I appreciated it. Simple enough conversation right? Except that when Ben said he wanted to encourage me, I burst into tears and sobbed on his shoulder, blubbering that I appreciated him trying to support me. This is a common occurrence to every new mom out there. At one point I was having a casual conversation with my mom, and suddenly started crying, in seeing the concerned look on my mom's face I ended up blurting out between sobs "I'm really not this upset, it's the hormones!" which made us both laugh.
I have mentioned my Mom's group a couple times on my blog, and at one point when I was having a rough day, I admitted it to the girls, a little worried about what they would say, and rather than comments like "maybe you should call a friend" or statements of concern, instead the girls all started to share stories of when they broke down for "no apparent reason", which honestly made me feel a lot better. This is how I know every mom goes through this. One of our girls just became a mom a couple weeks ago, and sure enough, checked in to say that she too was having cry fests over the weirdest things!
I blame the hormones.
Sure I was "sensitive" before having a baby, but this just goes ten steps further! Ben is used to my mixed up emotions by now, and actually thinks it's kind of amusing. In the middle of a mundane conversation he'll hear the inflection in my voice, and demand "Are you crying?" because it's funny for me to blubber "Yes! And No, I don't know why!"
So let this be a Public Service Announcement to Husbands, Fathers, Siblings and Friends... We can't control the emotions, it's embarrassing and annoying to us, and it's no reason to call the authorities or to judge our ability to take care of our child.
Don't judge, and don't stare - just offer a hug, and a tissue. We'll be okay in a minute.
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