Breast is Best

"Breast milk is the optimum nutrition for your baby"

That's what it says on the top of my container of formula.  My baby is formula fed.  Here's my story: 


If you toughed it through my Birth Story, you probably know by now that Inara was brought into this world by Emergency C-Section.  If you didn't read the birth story - well, now you know.  It wasn't planned that way - obviously, but that was the hand I was dealt, and I have a healthy happy baby as a result. 

10 minutes after Inara was born, I was wheeled into a recovery room, and had a nurse suggest skin to skin contact with my baby - so they stripped me down to the waist, and plopped my naked baby on my chest.  Then another nurse squeezed my nipple to get some clostrum out (I've said it before, but when you have a baby you check your modesty at the door - your body is not your own, and having a nurse grab your boob without even saying a word to you suddenly seems natural after all you've been through).  Clostrum is the "milk" your body produces before your "milk comes in" it's like a super vitamin packed baby milkshake that they get their nutrients from while the hormones your body produces as a result of labour signals your body to start making milk - which shows up around 3-5 days post labour.  Once the nurse got a little clostrum out, she rubbed it on Inara's tongue, and walked away.  Inara - much to our amazement, squirmed her way over to my nipple and latched on.  This was my "breast feeding tutorial".  Now being partially frozen, I couldn't tell if her latch was correct or not - and no one corrected anything.  I just assumed that if Baby was eating, all was well and good. 

That night was the worst night as a new mom, for several reasons.  For one, I was recovering from major abdominal surgery, and couldn't get out of bed - let alone reach for my baby in the crib beside me, for two - because I was in recovery, I was in a shared room, and Ben was not able to spend the night with me - meaning I was all alone, sleep deprived, in pain, and doing everything for Inara alone (with the help of nurses when they had a chance - but they were understaffed that night, due to sick calls, as one nurse let me know.)

Now my water broke at 1am - I got one hour of sleep then, plus another at about 4am - then nothing.  By 6pm I was having trouble focusing as our family was meeting Inara for the first time.  When everyone left I tried so hard to sleep - but Inara wanted to be fed - again.  Since being born, this was my 5th feeding with her - and her feedings weren't short either - they were upwards of 45-60 minutes long, and then once she was done, she would cry for 10-15 minutes until I latched her again, and she fed for another hour.  This was my entire night.   At one point I had a very nice nurse bring me several pillows so I could create a little fort around Inara so that if I fell asleep nursing her (which was very possible since I was head nodding hard core) then I wouldn't drop her - which I was terrified of doing! 

For the whole night, I got a few 15 minute naps while Inara was nursing.  It was hell, I was deliriously tired, and I felt like the worst mom in the world because I could not figure out how to stop my child from crying (I also felt like an ass because on the other side of my curtain was another new mom trying to sleep and my baby was keeping her awake, while her baby didn't make a sound)!  I asked every nurse I met if it was normal for a new born who was supposed to have the stomach the size of a cherry to eat SO MUCH, and everyone said "it's good that she's eating so much!  You want that!"

Finally around 5am Inara tired herself out, and slept until 7, allowing me 2 hours of sleep before the gauntlet of nurses and doctors started coming around to check my blood pressure, incision, IV etc.  At 9am Ben arrived, and took Inara so I could steal another 30 minutes of sleep, and then we got the best news when a nurse arrived to tell us that a theme room opened up, and Ben could spend the night that night. 

For the three days in the hospital I nursed around the clock with Inara, and every time she would be done, she never seemed like she was satisfied, and the fussing and crying would begin again.  Ben and I both continued to ask the staff if this was normal, and everyone said it was great.  With all that nursing I also discovered that Inara's latching technique was not at all good - and feedings became more and more painful to me in which I would drive my nails into my palms, and scrunch my face tight to get through it - unfortunately though, once the damage is done, there will still be pain even after correcting the latch. 

On the 3rd day we were discharged and sent home, and I sent Ben out to buy me a breast pump.  After crying while Inara nursed, I decided that I didn't care if Inara got milk from me, or from a bottle, as long as she got my breast milk.  On Monday my health nurse stopped by to make sure everything was okay, and once again instructed me on proper latching technique, but also said that Inara had lost more than 10% of her birth weight, and she was now officially underweight.  As a result we were put on a strict 2 hour feeding schedule to get her back up to proper weight. 

That night at 1:30am Ben and I got up to feed Inara, and were met with a screaming baby who refused to latch.  After trying several times, and Inara screaming her lungs out - Ben finally told me to get the formula.  Once the first drip touched her lips, she was immediately silent, and ate like it was the first time in days - which is when we realized it had been.  All those 1 hour feedings, with the unsatisfied newborn, she was starving.  I was a glorified soother. 

Once I started pumping our suspicions were confirmed - I was producing only drops.  My body apparently didn't get the memo that my milk was supposed to come in.  After that first night of formula we had a completely different newborn - she slept 4 hours solid, and no longer cried in her sleep - feedings only took 5 minutes as she gulped the bottle, and often fell asleep immediately after.  She also started to gain weight which was the biggest relief.  In three days Inara gained 13 ounces, and we were informed we could go back to "on demand" feedings.  In the meantime I kept pumping to try to increase my supply, as well I took several herbal supliments to try to increase my milk production, but it was taking more and more days to produce one feeding of breast milk for her, and my own sanity was starting to break out of frustration. 

At Inara's 2 week checkup with our pediatrician, I requested a referral to the Breast Feeding Clinic to try to get some help.  I was told that the doctor would contact me for an appointment.  In the meantime I was still pumping but I was doing so less and less as each time I would spend the whole time peering into the bottles at the drips being produced, and getting more and more frustrated and angry. 

Last Monday I had a break down.  I was fine for most of the day, and then I started crying, and I cried for most of the afternoon.  I can't tell you why I was crying - it was the result of lots of things, and nothing all at once.  I just couldn't do anything but cry.  I didn't pump at all that day, I figured it probably wouldn't help my fragile state.  (Sidenote - I know my breakdown was a result of hormones crashing in my system - and I'm doing great now - I just needed that one day to cry my eyes out, and I'm over it now).    On Tuesday I pumped in the morning, and put my sad "drips" in the fridge.  By that afternoon they had started to evaporate - so I cleaned out the bottle and packed up the pump.  That was it. 

This morning (Friday) I still have not heard from the Breast Feeding clinic, but I did hear from a friend's sister who is a nurse, and after talking to her she confirmed what I had been thinking - by the third week, you can either do it, or you can't.  Your milk production is no longer hormonal, and is pretty established through supply and demand, and if all that pumping from the previous week still didn't produce even half an ounce, then it just wasn't going to happen. 

My child is formula fed - and there is nothing wrong with that.  They say "Breast is Best" - no.  You know what's best?  Having a healthy happy well fed child.  That's what's best.  And however you are able to accomplish that, whether through breastfeeding, pumping or formula - THAT'S what's best.  Now I didn't write this all for advice, and I certainly didn't write it for sympathy - what I wrote it for is to share my story.  I find in this information age, the more you know, the better off you are.  Once I started talking to people, I discovered that I'm not the only one this has happened to.  I'm not the only new mom out there who's milk didn't come in, or who struggled with producing enough.  The more I talk, the more people share their stories with me - but you don't know unless you say something.  We tend to have a self involved outlook of the world - feeling like what we are experiencing is exclusive to only us, and that kind of point of view can be very lonely.  Hearing that you are not alone, and being able to share an experience can mean the world to someone. 

So I write.  And I will keep writing.  Regardless of whether or not I ever hear from someone who's been helped by my writing - I will continue to write, and I will continue to share because I know what it means to me.