Advice

If you want to get people talking, get pregnant.  Have kids, go out in public with a baby strapped to the front of you and suddenly complete strangers will be giving you advice.  It's a weird phenomenon really - even people who have never had children of their own are suddenly child rearing experts "Stand back, I was a child once, I'll take it from here!".  "My mom raised me on fresh cream off the farm, and I turned out great!"  Awesome.  I'm happy for you.  I bet that was her choice though.  That's usually the kicker, people freely give advice with as little as eye contact from you, and yet no one considers that perhaps we've already made a few choices of our own, and have every right to do so (of course within reason, if a choice was harming a child I would definitely step in myself). 

My mom once told me that as a child I was a hummer - I was always singing or humming some song over and over again - All. Day. Long.  Once such day after running errands with me Mom found herself in the checkout line at the grocery store, and out of frustration of listening to my little tune for 8+ hours that day, she finally turned to me and said "Heather!  Stop humming!"  immediately the lady in front of her turned around and said "you know, I'm a teacher, and you shouldn't stifle a child's creativity."  I can see both sides of the equation, but I know that if I were with a 4 year old all day long who kept humming the same 4 bars of a made up song, I would probably request a little silence for a few minutes myself!  Mom didn't ask this lady for advice, but it was given none the less!

This is what I'm referring to.  

This may come as a surprise only to people who don't know Ben and I that well - but Lump was planned.  There was no oops, there was no frantic moment of "what do we do now?!?!".  This was our time to have a baby - we had planned this out years prior, you know, "first comes love, then comes marriage...." Only we are a little more detailed in our planning.  When we took that test, and that + sign developed, I looked up at Ben with tears in my eyes and whispered "we're going to have a baby!"  and he scooped me up in a big hug and we celebrated that it had finally happened!  Two weeks from that day I had read "What to expect when you are expecting" cover to cover, and the research has never stopped.  We had decided even before we had bought the condo, that we would live there for 2 years before buying a house, and then would try to start a family after we were settled, once we had the room.  We are blessed that someone was listening to our plans, and everything worked out exactly as we had wanted it too, and are expecting our first baby right on schedule! 

Lump has been planned since Ben and I first started dating - in fact, probably longer than that.  A family is something Ben and I both wanted, but of course we knew that it's a lot harder to get into a life long commitment like a child if you haven't made necessary preparations first (not impossible of course, but harder). 

Ben and I don't go into something without research first, which sounds a little cold and calculated especially when you are referring to a baby, but that's how we do it.  We are well aware that babies are expensive, and we had been budgeting, and crunching numbers, figuring out how to make Maternity Leave work, figuring in costs for diapers and clothing, planning for both formula feeding and breastfeeding if I happen to be unable to do the later etc.   We've even gone so far as to research all of the "child benefit" programs we can access to help with braces, and sports teams in the future. We have made countless lists documenting repairs and renovations in our lives, and figuring out what goes where, and how much.  Everything we do is calculated and planned.  When we got married, we paid for everything we could on our Visa (even though we had the money put aside) because it gave us Visa Rewards points.  In a year, we cashed in those points for a Future Shop gift card, and replaced our old tube television with a shiny new flat screen.  This is how we do things in the Thieson household. 

Now that's all very financial, and obviously there is more to a baby than money, and we are prepared for that as well.  We have discussed at length different parenting techniques and hurdles we might face, from discussing with Ben how to identify if I am dealing with PPD and how to help, to reading into programs to help Lump start sleeping through the night.  Hell, I've already researched potty training, and sign language.

Knowing all of that, it still amazes me that people still offer advice about what to expect when Lump arrives.  Or give us that "you just wait" comment with a knowing look.  I know we don't know everything - what parent does?  But I would hope that people would consider that with a month left to go, we would have done a little reading and research on the right car seat, diapers, sleeping position, 3 am feedings, etc and know a little about what to expect when our baby makes her entrance!  We are prepared for the sleepless nights, the lack of "us time" and the less than tidy house among a whole list of other things.  The other day Ben made a facebook status about how I made him breakfast before he headed off to work, and one of the comments left was: "Ben don't get used to it...once the baby comes you'll be second in line....lol"  Ben turned to me and said "do people honestly think I don't know that?!?"  

Perhaps it's our sense of humour that has people concerned for our parenting abilities?  Ben has made a couple jokes about how "babies use the litter box right?" and I'm now wondering if some people think we are serious?  Although maybe not, since we're not the only parents-to-be (or new parents) who are dealing with these remarks.  About a month ago a new parent asked me "are you tired of the advice yet?" and I guess I hadn't really noticed it at that point, but it seems very apparent that babies tend to disarm the filter in people.

I have always felt that parenting choices are a taboo subject (right up there with politics and religion), everyone has their own ideas and I have found in my limited experience that when it comes to parenting it's best not to question someone's choices.  I have friends who are 100% Co-sleepers, I know people who have lectured about "breast is best" I know people who are adament that you need to be silent when baby is sleeping, and I know other's who strongly suggest making as much noise as possible to get the child used to sleeping through sound.  I have never given these people advice because they are raising their children to the best of their ability and knowledge, and I trust that they too have done their research and have decided on the best choices for their babies, but I feel I'm in the minority in my choice to remain silent.  

I have been asked by numerous people if I'm going to get an epidural when I deliver, my response is always the same "I'm not going to pretend I know what to expect, so I'm going to play it by ear, I might be able to handle it, I might need the drugs, I'm not going into this thing adamant about one way or the other"  I feel the same about breast feeding, I know all the stats and I know the benefits, but I also know several amazing woman that were unable to breast feed, and it didn't make them less wonderful mothers, nor deprive their children from something amazing - so who am I to stand on my soap box and lecture those around me?  I happen to know one amazing mother who was unable to breast feed her two children - and her kids turned out awesome - that mom was mine.  I don't like the unsolicited advice from people, but what I like even less is the "holier than thou" approach some people take when it comes to giving that advice.

Somehow, some way in a world full of choices and different approaches amazing people are growing up around us all the time!  Have you seen the documentary "Babies"?  It's on Netflix and it follows the first 2 years of 4 children in different areas of the world, from Tokyo, to San Fransisco to a tribe in Namibia and a hut in Mongolia - all of these children have had a completely different upbringing, and yet they all all learn to crawl, walk, talk and develop at a similar rate.  If that doesn't speak volumns for the fact that you don't all have to make the same choices to end up with a similar outcome in parenting, I don't know what does?  

I suppose what I'm saying with my long winded rant is that I just don't understand what it is about babies that brings out the helpfulness in people.  Even the babies name!  I have had people tell me that they told their friends what they were planning on naming their expected bundle of joy only to be met with criticism and judgement over their choice!  Why do you think I call my little girl Lump?  Because no one has any right to comment on our choice, or try to "talk us out of it" before she arrives.  When you tell people the name ahead of time, there are those that have no problem voicing their opinions on your choice, but when you introduce them to a tiny squishy bundle of pure love and they learn the name then - people have a tendency to keep their opinions to themselves.

I'm not saying that Ben and I know everything there is to know, and that we will never need advice, not at all - we're not so arrogant in the sense that we think we have all our bases covered and our child will be perfect and never catch us off guard - hell no.  I'm expecting to be a little confused at times, I'm expecting a wave of panic here and there, and I'm sure my friends and family are also expecting the odd frantic phone call from me - but there's the kicker - I'll ask.  Ben and I have never had a problem with asking questions and talking about things with others, and we will never hesitate to do so if a situation arises that we are confused about which choice to make.  We know where our strengths lie and communication is high on the list.  Don't worry - if we don't know which step to take next - We'll ask.  But if we don't ask- assume we have already got it covered.