My new Body

It took me a long time to get up the courage to write this post, and an even longer time to be okay enough with the situation to want to share.

I have never been thin.  Never.  When I was a baby my mom had issues with breastfeeding, so I was put on Formula, and ended up being a little butterball right from my earliest days.

  When I was 4 I was diagnosed with a very rare auto immune disease that I was treated with using Steroids, among other drugs, which plumped me up for several years.

When I was 12 I had a doctor take a look at my awful eczema all over my arms and legs, and proclaim he could cure it - putting me once again, on Steriods, which resulted in me gaining about 50 pounds in Junior High.  Since then, I have worked every day at trying to get it off again. 

I spent many years doing the Yo-yo thing, where my weight goes up, I fight it back down, a year later I'm up again.  It's exhausting. 

After so many years, as much as I wanted to be a smaller size of myself, I had sort of come to terms with my body - I was thick, with my semi flat stomach and bubble butt, my heavy legs and large arms, I knew my body, I knew which pants would work, which shirts to avoid, and had made peace with my shape. 

Then Inara came along. 

I had always thought that when my time came to be pregnant, that I would be pregnant EVERYWHERE.  Meaning I thought I would be one of those woman that get the very round face, and put on pounds on their arms, legs, bum, everything.  I was expecting to have to inform people of my pregnancy on a regular basis so they wouldn't mistake me for just being really over weight.  But much to my surprise - I didn't.  I was all belly.  You couldn't even tell I was pregnant from the back, and aside from not being able to close my pre-preggo pants in the front, I could still get them up and over the tush in the back.

Needless to say, I was pretty thrilled!  I kept thinking to myself that I would get rid of the weight in no time after Inara's birth, and that I would be back to toned and happy in a matter of weeks. 

Unfortunately what I didn't realize, was that my body would be changed forever.  Pregnancy, and then child birth re-arranges a few things on you.  The body you are left with, is not the same one you went into this whole experience with. 

The first, and most obvious change, was to my midsection.  Here's the thing about looking like you are carrying twins... it takes a LOT of skin to stretch out that far, and once the baby is out, and your uterus has shrunk back down, you are left with that skin - that sort of, deflated balloon paunch.  Mommy Tummy is a term you may have heard - this is what they are referring to.  9 months of stretching leaves  you with a lot of skin, and unfortunately it's all collected in a circle right around your belly button. 

It's one thing to lose pounds, and tone your muscles, but it takes a little longer to tighten skin.  Excercise and eating right, definitely helps, but it takes time.  I read a pregnancy book once that said 9 months to change your body, 9 months to put it back - so in thinking I could be in tip top shape just a few months after delivering my daughter was pretty naive of me. 

Another change I wasn't expecting, was the effect pregnancy had on my breasts.  Now I've never been large chested by any stretch of the imagination, but these days, I feel a little - deflated for lack of a better word.  At the beginning of my pregnancy I had jumped into another workout regime to get me in better shape and shed a few pounds, so I had my chest measurements taken down, and in those first few weeks I was thrilled to find my chest growing in inches, and I ended up growing a cup size, and sporting some full firm cleavage!  I knew they wouldn't last, I knew I would lose my awesome rack when Inara was born, but I thought I would go back to where I was, rather than end up with something completely new to me.  My breasts are squishy now, the firmness is gone, and I can no longer boast the cleavage I used to have without the help of a push up bra. 

Needless to say, this was a little difficult to deal with, and ended up being the cause of one of my breakdowns (see previous post).  After a shower one day, I put on a bra, and noticed the flatness of my breasts -  they didn't seem to be able to fill the bra cups anymore, and the curvature on the top was gone.  I cried.  It's a silly thing to cry about, but in those first few weeks when you don't feel like yourself anymore, its kind of sad to realize the body you once knew is gone too.  This was one of the main reasons I started opting for Sports Bra's.  A sports bra isn't made for cleavage and lift, it's made to support, and tightly flatten the girls down for any sort of activity you may throw at them, and I just needed to not notice my breasts at that point.  I even started sleeping in sports bra's, or t-shirts, just to hide my body away. 

Another change, was the lovely addition of stretch marks across my belly.  I had been doing so well, I went 36 weeks without so much as a mark, and then one day getting out of the shower I noticed a line on each side, the next day there were two, two days after that, 4.  They started sprouting up at an alarming rate in those last few weeks, and unfortunately, they don't vanish once the baby is born.  No, I still have them, and will always have them. 

Just below the stretch marks is my Cesarian scar.  My daughter's entry into the world.  A thick red curved line about 5 inches in length.  The skin around it is numb from my doctor cutting through the nerve endings.  

The night my water broke, I took a picture.  Just before heading to the hospital, I took one last shot of the belly in all it's glory:

At that point in time, I knew I was in for sleepless nights and crying babies, and more diaper changes than I knew what to do with, but I had no idea how much motherhood would change me. 

Once I was cleared to workout again 8 weeks postpartum, I got all set up, and took a bunch of before pictures so I could have something to look back at once I reached my goal, but I didn't workout that day.  I took one look at the pictures, and sat on the end of the bed and cried.  The extra skin from my pregnancy hung like a flap over my waist band, and the stretch marks were thick and purple all over my pale skin.  My breasts were small and flat, and I couldn't find one thing I loved about myself in those photos.  It was a hard day.  A day I wasn't expecting to be honest. 

Since that day, I've done a lot of work.  Work on my body, work on my diet, and mostly work on my self esteem.  I know I've grown a lot in the past couple months, and I think I'm now in a place where I'm not embarassed or ashamed of my new body, I'm proud. 

My body is amazing.  This body made the most perfect baby girl from scratch.  This body grew a person from a single cell.  This body was home to my daughter, it provided protection, and nutrients, it took care of her before I knew how.  My skin stretched as far as it needed to to hold my child, and the marks it bares are a symbol of it's strength.  This body created life, and not just any life - this body created the life of the most precious gift I have ever been given - this body created Inara.  And for that, I have nothing but love and gratitude for it.

This is my new body, it's not perfect, but it is Amazing.

These are not the emotions I was looking for...

You might be a new mother if....

... you meant to laugh, but instead you broke down into tears

You might be a new mother if....

.... someone asks you what's wrong, and you honestly have no idea





I could go on, but the point I'm making is that your emotions are no longer your own.  If you thought pregnancy hormones were fun, you are in for the ride of your life when they suddenly crash in your system.  It's a little like losing your mind, and having no way to explain what's going on to your loved ones.

They cutely call this Baby Blues, but I find this expression is not at all aptly named, sure my baby did have something to do with the current state of my emotions, but to say baby blues I think implies that you are in some way sad about baby, and that could not be further from the truth!

Here's a secret I'm going to share with you - every single new mom will have a break down at some point where all they are able to do for a little while is cry.  This is NORMAL!  What's not normal is feeling that way, not wanting to get out of bed, and regretting your little bundle of love or having some anger or hatred toward your child - this is cause for help, so please please call someone if you are ever feeling this way. 

Sadly no one really talks about this because of the fear of showing the slightest emotion and having Child Services suddenly arrive at your door.  I'm going to be honest - one night, I cried because Ben was so exhausted living on 4 hours of sleep a night, that he fell asleep on the couch right after dinner, and I didn't get to talk to him.  I understood the situation, and I don't fault Ben at all - I would do the same, but I was just a little down that I didn't get to spend time with him, and to the post pardom body "a little down" turns into "cry for an hour".  It's annoying to say the least.

Think about this, you see someone cry, and you immediately think something really horrible happened, but for a new mom, it could be as frivolous as dropping the only soother she brought with her, and she was just annoyed that she didn't bring a spare.  The problem is, only new mom's understand it, anyone else would think "holy shit - this lady is completely unstable, there is no way they can care for their baby like this!".  Even my own husband did a bunch of research on Post Pardem Depression when I admitted to him that I was having a rough day.  I know one mother who was worried that if she showed the slightest emotion other than pure joy at all times her husband would have her admitted to a mental hospital, but unfortunately, attempting not to break down, has the opposite effect.

I feel I'm not doing a very good job of explaining what the hormone crash does to you, and how this is different from PPD.  I love my daughter with all my heart, I smile ear to ear when I see her chubby cheeks, and when other people are holding her, I cant' wait to get her back to hug her again.  I have hundreds of photos of her on my phone, and once I tuck her in, I often spend hours just looking at pictures and videos of her - She is the best thing I've done, and I'm constantly in disbelief that I made the most perfect little girl imaginable.  However, I still have moments that make me break down in tears, and I can't explain why.  I'm not depressed, I'm actually quite happy a lot of the time, but my emotions are all out of whack.

The other night I mentioned wanting to get up earlier to get a workout in before Inara was up for the day because I really don't have any excuse not to get it done, and Ben said that he was trying to encourage me to workout, but didn't want to come off as nagging me, and I said that I knew that and that I appreciated it.  Simple enough conversation right?  Except that when Ben said he wanted to encourage me, I burst into tears and sobbed on his shoulder, blubbering that I appreciated him trying to support me.  This is a common occurrence to every new mom out there.  At one point I was having a casual conversation with my mom, and suddenly started crying, in seeing the concerned look on my mom's face I ended up blurting out between sobs "I'm really not this upset, it's the hormones!" which made us both laugh.  

I have mentioned my Mom's group a couple times on my blog, and at one point when I was having a rough day, I admitted it to the girls, a little worried about what they would say, and rather than comments like "maybe you should call a friend" or statements of concern, instead the girls all started to share stories of when they broke down for "no apparent reason", which honestly made me feel a lot better.  This is how I know every mom goes through this.  One of our girls just became a mom a couple weeks ago, and sure enough, checked in to say that she too was having cry fests over the weirdest things!

I blame the hormones.

Sure I was "sensitive" before having a baby, but this just goes ten steps further!  Ben is used to my mixed up emotions by now, and actually thinks it's kind of amusing.  In the middle of a mundane conversation he'll hear the inflection in my voice, and demand "Are you crying?" because it's funny for me to blubber "Yes!  And No, I don't know why!" 

So let this be a Public Service Announcement to Husbands, Fathers, Siblings and Friends...  We can't control the emotions, it's embarrassing and annoying to us, and it's no reason to call the authorities or to judge our ability to take care of our child.


Don't judge, and don't stare - just offer a hug, and a tissue.  We'll be okay in a minute. 

The Mom Uniform

I didn't really notice it happen, it just sort of did...  but today I was made very aware of my Mom Uniform.

I'm sure you can picture it.  Those of you who have run into me in the last few months, have witnessed it - it's always the same:

-Hair air dried, or in a pony tail, bun, or under a hat

-T-shirt with a burp cloth or some sort of spit up mark on the left shoulder

-Yoga pants or baggy sweats

-Slip on faded loafers

-No makeup, bags under eyes, and unkempt eyebrows.


I did a quick check in my Mobile uploads just now - and sure enough any picture I've posted in the last bit has me looking exactly like that:

Truth be told, in the picture second from the bottom at the Vet office it was only in that moment shortly after the picture was taken, when I had already spoken with the Vet, and was just waiting to hear about Emmy's test results that I discovered a large spit up stain all over my shoulder and down my sleeve from an unfortunate incident that my washing machine failed to remove.  I still wore that shirt one more time that week before I sprayed it down with stain remover and washed it again. 

The other day I was annoyed that I had to wear my "other" yoga pants because my "going out" yoga pants were in the wash.  I never thought I would ever have "going out yoga pants" but here we are.  It's breaking so many "what not to wear" rules it's not even funny.  Inara on the other hand, always looks adorable in matching outfits, sweaters, hats, and dresses!  

I'm the makeup artist that rarely wears makeup.  I'm the hairstylist who doesn't style her hair!  I have 4 shirts that I rotate - 2 men's XL shirts I bought when I was pregnant from Value Village when I could no longer fit my maternity shirts, and 2 maternity shirts that are extra long.  My body is different now, clothing fits me differently, and until I lose some weight or buy some clothes, I have a uniform.


I didn't really notice my uniform until today, actually.  Today is Valentines Day.  It's just another day to Ben and I, as we never celebrate it, or even acknowledge it more than a text message or funny picture sent between us, but I just so happened to have got my hair cut today, and that made all the difference in how I saw myself.

I got a trim, plus some much needed layering, and then my wonderful stylist curled my hair for me!  I can't really remember the last time I had my hair curled for me, but I can guarantee it was before Inara was born!  But it's amazing what a curling iron can do for your whole outlook!

I left the salon with bouncy curly gorgeous hair that several people complimented me on, and it changed the way I felt for the whole day, so when I came home, I did my makeup put on earrings and a necklace, sprayed a little perfume, put on a real bra (not just a sports bra), and put on a dress!  I also chilled some wine, and made a really nice meal for Ben and I complete with candle light!  Moments before Ben got home I was folding and hanging Inara's clothes in the nursery all done up, and I suddenly had a moment of panic, where I was worried he would think it was weird or silly that I got all dressed up for no reason, and then I would be embarrassed, and for a split second I almost darted back into the our bedroom to put my uniform back on before he arrived.  I know Ben would never say anything but a compliment upon seeing me all done up - but postpardom hormones are a bitch, and they make you a little crazy sometimes.

Sure enough, Ben said I looked great, and complimented my hair, my dress and my earrings, and was thrilled with the dinner I had made.  It's weird, a couple months ago, seeing me in makeup was a daily thing, my hair was always styled in someway - short of a lazy saturday or sunday, and even when I was at my biggest in my pregnancy I was still putting in the effort to look nice:

But these days - I just stick to the uniform.  It just evolved into that I guess.  I started with giving up the straightening iron - I could barely blow dry my hair, let alone have time to staighten it - and forget about the curling iron!  Then my hair didn't even get blow dried anymore, which turned into not even putting product in, or being fine with going out with frizzy flyaway hair.  Then it was a ponytail or bun to keep my hair out of the way (someone is learning to grab onto things that get between her fingers, and she has a sweaty, sticky little grip - so hair up is key) - I actually discovered the other day that my bottom layer of hair has a lot of short broken off hairs from my hair elastics- but I draw the line at scrunchies... save my hair or not - I refuse!

The sweats and over sized shirts just make sense - when Inara was welcomed into the world I still had a large round belly, and lots of extra skin that had taken 9 months to stretch to it's limit - it wasn't about to disappear over night, so I needed to wear bigger sizes to accommodate - as well I was recovering from a C-section, so I needed loose pants with a drawstring waistline that I could wear low so they didn't effect my incision scar while it was healing, and shirts long enough to cover the distance without showing off my lovely stretch marks.  Now a days, the uniform has just been set.  It's easy, it's conveinent, it's comfortable.  It's ugly.

I think that might be part of the whole "losing a part of yourself to Motherhood" that lots of new moms face - bodies change, priorities change, time management changes, and your own cosmetic routines that seemed so ingrained in your daily routine before, ends up taking a backseat to this new bundle of needs.

I was talking to my group of TTC ladies a few weeks back, and mentioned something about Inara, so I snapped a quick picture of her asleep on my shoulder and posted it in our text message chat group, once I looked back at the picture I realized something was missing and added "Don't mind the sports bra, I never got around to putting on a shirt today" my friends laughed, and my picture was met with one my friend posted of her little one on her bare legs with the caption "I didn't put on pants!"  It seems ludicrous to think of someone going the whole day without putting on the most basic of clothing- but to a new mom, it's not so far from the norm.  Some days, I put on clothing just so I won't scare off any unsuspecting neighbours who might have the misfortune of being outdoors when I poke my head out to get the mail!  I still really like my neighbours and still want them to like me - so I will continue to wear shirts when I reach for the weekly flyers.

I hope finding time for curling irons, and makeup gets a little easier as Inara gets a little more independent, or at the very least that I get a little better at my own daily time management.  It seems like such a trivial thing, but it's something I enjoy, and it's something that makes me feel good, and sometimes it's those little feel good things that can change a whole day for the better - like my hair cut today!