Preggo Self Esteem

As the weeks roll by, and I get rounder and bigger, I have found that lately I've been struggling a little more with my self esteem.  Don't get me wrong - I love my belly, and I'm undeniably cute these days, but the vixen, womanly part of me seems to be lost among all the extra weight and water retention, and it's starting to get to me.

The other day I was trying to butter toast and popped the butter in the microwave for a few seconds to try to soften it up a little bit - which then resulted in the bulk of the butter still being hard, while the drippings at the bottom turned to liquid.  Of course, since I am Heather, I managed to splash my shirt with some of the butter.  As usual Ben chastised me about once again spilling something on my shirt, and I headed off to the mall to get a replacement shirt (normally I wouldn't have cared, but I had a shoot that night, and didn't want to look as slobish as I felt).

While waddling around the mall, I became increasingly aware of the fact that I'm no longer the person I used to be.  For starters, I waddle now, and I have for a while.  My belly (no longer my hips) shifts right and left with each step I take, and I find I have to arch my back just to keep my balance from the increased weight that is hanging off my midsection.  Then of course we can't forget the swollen feet and water retention in my legs that make for a killer set of gams that get admired everywhere they go.  Nor can we ignore the baby furnace I have inside me that keeps me "glowing" (otherwise known as sweating) all day long.  As well I'm sporting a 43" (and growing) waist, and when you put all that together, it's cat calls all day long!

I'm entering into a completely different status in my life - I'm going to be a mother.  I'm creating life, and anyone who looks at me can see that, and no one looks at me in a negative light because of that - quite the opposite actually, everyone loves a pregnant belly, and I get admiring looks from all over these days - however, it's from different people  for different reasons now.

There's nothing quite like turning heads in a mall, and feeling like you are the girl that people notice - but I'm having a hard time dealing with the change in reason.  It's not because I'm pretty, or have a smile that lights up the room, or that I have a nice body - it's that I'm going to have a baby - and there's nothing wrong with that, but I am struggling with only being identified as a mother these days, and not a woman if that makes any sense.

Compliments go a long way in any stage of life, and I'm missing the random one's about me - personally, about ME.  People don't comment on my eyes any more, they don't say that my hair looks great, or that I look awesome in my new jeans.  People talk about the baby, the belly, and ask me when I'm due.  I'm just feeling more like a vessel for this new person, than the woman I prided myself at being for so many years.

I will be the first to say that I was as excited as anyone to become pregnant and start this new chapter in my life, so I think that's in part why I'm so confused by how affected I am by the change in my self esteem.  It's not like I was ever up there with super models, or got bombarded by admirers the moment I left my house - not at all, I was pretty average to say the least, but I still got noticed here and there, and I guess I still just want to be thought of as gorgeous, or sexy now and again - rather than just cute and round - Baby Hippos are cute and round.  

I mean, obviously this is a hormone written blog post - and I'm just feeling emotional, and somewhat sorry for myself these days, but I always find I feel better when I get things down on paper (or keyboard in this case), so there you have it.  Take it as you will - I have little control over my feelings these days, and sometimes the "poor me" posts need to be written just so I can release some of this crap from off of my chest and get over it.

And now, back to your regularly scheduled programming...