Letting go of Control

I have been struggling with my weight my entire life.  I don't think I can name a time frame in my life when I wasn't on some sort of diet, or exercise regime.  I'm an expert at counting calories, and I know all the portions I should been sticking to by heart.  I could list my BMI, and I even have a digital WiFi scale that automatically sends all my weigh in information to a spreadsheet online so I can accurately track any and all gain and loss.  Until now.

I'm pregnant, my weight is going up, my waist line is getting bigger, I have cravings, I seem to be nibbling on something at all hours of the day, and an hour after I'm completely "couldn't eat another bite - stuffed" I'm absolutely ravenous.  Which is totally fine, and totally normal - but my "fat girl brain" unfortunately doesn't acknowledge that there has been a change, and I find I'm struggling to quiet the stupid little voice in the back of my head telling me that I should work out more, and that I need to eat less.  It's a hard voice to quiet after years of training it to trigger whenever I needed a little help making healthy choices, so I find I'm having the inner conflict every time I open the fridge to find another snack, or when my back is hurting and I choose to curl up on the sofa and watch TV rather than going for a walk.

Another element to this conflict is the fact that just 5 short months after my little one is brought into the world, I will be in Mexico to stand beside one of my very good friends as she marries her love (who is another good friend).  Mexico.  Where the weather easily peaks +36 degrees each day, where there is sun and sand and water, and where you live a week with bathing suits being your primary under garments - that Mexico!  I don't want to have to cover up under a lot of flowy moo-moo like dresses because I'm still working on baby weight, I want to look great!  To whip my body back into shape and strut around the pool in a bikini with a baby on my hip!  I know there will be hundreds of pictures taken at that time, and I want to look back on them and smile - proud of my accomplishments.

So what's the problem?  Well my brain won't seem to let me relax about the fact that I shouldn't wait until November, and that I should be hitting the gym now!  That I need to watch what I eat, and avoid snacking so much.  I should be counting calories right?  Wrong.  I'm not on a diet - the baby doesn't need a diet, the baby needs nutrition, and if the baby needs to eat every hour than so be it, the baby will eat every hour!

I know this - and please know for everyone reading this that I'm not about to start training for a marathon at this point in time because the little voice in my head is having a hard time dealing with this life change - I am ignoring it, and will continue to do so.  What this post is about is giving my body time to rest and let nature take over, and how hard it is for me to do that.

I'm a control freak, I'll whole heartedly admit that.  I like to know what's happening and when, I want things scheduled, written down and documented in triplicate if necessary.  My computer documents are littered with spreadsheets and lists, and I have folders for every future event Ben and I may face in the next 10 years.  So to sit back, and give up control over my body and allow "nature to do it's thing" well now - this is something new for me.  I do have to admit though, Nature seems to be doing a bang up job!

I will be the first to admit that I don't know how to make a baby (no... not like that, I'm not talking about A into B here) I'm talking about creating a central nervous system, starting the heart beating, putting all the vertebrae, fingers, toes, eyes, ears, nose, everything in the right spot - I'm talking about completely creating a life from scratch.  I don't know the first thing about it - but the wonderful amazing thing is that my body does.  I didn't have to take a class, or read a book, I was born with this blueprint already inside me - an instruction booklet imprinted on my cells that read out exactly what to do when the time comes.  (I read this great quote that said: "If having a baby required a preparatory degree the species would have died eons ago!"  So true!)

So then who am I to try to step in and take control when my body already has the job covered?  How could I possibly step up and say "I think you're doing great, but I need to take back control over a couple things if that's cool - but I still want you to do your job, you won't even know I'm here".  Yeah, anyone ever have a boss like that before?  The guy who really hasn't a clue what you do in a day but suddenly gets an idea on how they could improve on a process they know nothing about and suddenly steps in to make your life a living hell (and basically ends up causing you more work in the long run?).  Yeah - I hate that guy.  Everyone hates that guy.  I won't do that to my body, I won't be "that guy".  While I'm out of my element, this is something it was made to do!

So I'm just going to quiet that stupid little voice in the back of my brain, feed it cheese, and curl up with a book and enjoy going for the odd waddle around the block now and then.  I'm creating a life - there will be plenty of time for scales, free weights, and high intensity training come the fall - secondary of course, to feedings, baby cuddles, and love for my child.