First

I've never blogged before. 

I have had diary's, and journals in the past, several infact - and they all have 3 or 4 entries in the beginning, and then blank pages thereafter.

I've never been able to stick with writing in a journal for more than a couple days, but perhaps that is because I have been doing it wrong.  Not that there is any way to "properly" journal - but for me, I find I need to have something to say.  Something on my mind, something I want to get down on paper (or screen), if I commit to writing every day, it won't happen.  If I hold on to a journal that I write in when I want to express myself, and go into it with the plan that I will write when I feel like it, and not beat myself up for not maintaining a writing schedule - then I think I can do it.

So that's just what I'm going to do - that's how this blog is going to be.  Sporadic - in some ways - like me. 

Part of what held me back from making a blog before was the effect my car accident had on me.  See, I've never been amazing at writing before, but I could express myself pretty accurately, and I took pride in being eloquent and properly using my vocabulary.  But unfortunately, as a result of a car accident I was involved in in Jan 2007, my subconscious now frequently mixes up words.  In my head, I know what I'm trying to say, and my brain says the words as I type them - but when I go back and re-read, I find that there is a glitch between my thoughts, and my motor skills.  I write words that start with the letter of the word I wanted - but is the wrong word completely, like "used" when I wanted "us"  or "talk" when I wanted "time".  I also mix up different versions of words - I'll write "completely" when I meant to say "complete", or "wants" when I needed "wanted".  My little glitch is the source of great frustration for me.  I get embarrassed when I use the wrong words, I hate it. 

My accident, involved a big truck cutting me off, and instead of t-boning him (I couldn't stop on the ice) I swerved and slammed into a tree.  After the accident, not only did I mix up words when I typed, but I also developed a stutter, and words that had been in my vocabulary for years had suddenly fallen out of my brain.  I was constantly forgetting the words I wanted, and when I would get upset or flustered not only did I forget more words, but I stuttered trying to force them out.  Many conversations ended in me in tears. 

Now 4 years later I have recovered from the stutter, and my speech is almost 100% again (I still forget the words I want, but it's very minimal in comparison to what it was), but it's typing that still has my brain jumbled.  Even hand writing is fine (but really - who does that anymore these days?).  To send a simple text message, I read and re-read it 3 times before pressing send - and even then I often miss things. 

That being said - for anyone reading this blog - don't expect a master piece.  I'm going to do my best to check and re-check my post before clicking "publish" but there are times when my brain even reads my words as correct, and then someone points it out to me later on.  Also, that being said - please don't point it out.  As I said, these mistakes are embarrassing for me, and to put it simply, I'm sensitive about them.  The writer I was before is gone, and I'm doing my best, but I know this blog is going to be filled with incorrect words, and mistakes despite my best efforts, so please, just let them slide - it would mean so much to me if you would.