I won the Lottery

I'm going to break the rules here.  I'm going to tell you what I wish for every time I blow out candles on a cake, or when I see a shooting star, blow the fluff off a dandelion  or any other time I'm giving the option to close my eyes and make a wish.

I want to win the Lottery.

Now I know as soon as you tell it won't come true, but I don't fear that anymore, because it already has come true!  Haven't you heard?  I won!  In fact, I've won several times!

First, I won the Husband Lottery!  Ben is everything I could have ever asked for in a partner!  I know it's cliche, but it's the only way I can express this correctly: I married my best friend.  From the very start to my day when his alarm goes off, and the first thing he does is quickly turn it off so it doesn't wake me, and then scootch over and give me a kiss on the forehead or cheek (sometimes I'm awake anyway) before getting out of bed to get ready for work.  He spoils me with love and laugher and never misses a moment to act like a complete goof to make me smile.  We work well together, as parents, as house cleaners as construction workers.  We dance around the kitchen while we make dinner together, we take about interesting science articles as we clean up after, we play games while we fold laundry (he always tries to shake the sheet from my grasp when we are folding them, or he plays goalie for his sock drawer as I try to throw the bundled up socks in), we go for walks together and talk about our future, we discuss Marvel movies while drywalling our garage - we talk about everything and anything.  He gives me hugs from behind when I'm working at the sink, and I give him top of the head kisses when he's on his computer.  I've never in my life felt more loved in every way.  He supports me and my interests, getting up at 5:30am just to cheer me on in my first 5km run, and he's always excited to see photos of the makeup and hair I've done.  He works extra hard to provide for Inara and I so that I can stay home with her during the day, and live out my dream of being a full time mom and hair and makeup artist.  He loves to surprise me, and goes above and beyond to plan little romantic gestures that he knows will make me cry (happy tears of course!).  He's the best father I could ever ask for for our daughter and never turns up his nose at changing a diaper, or getting our little one dressed - he even puts the little hair clips in her hair too!  He has my whole heart, and I couldn't give it to a better person.  My Ben is everything I have ever wanted in a Husband or partner - I won the lottery.

Next, I won the Business Partner Lottery!  Melissa is amazing.  I say it all the time, and never once have I ever felt that "Amazing" is a good enough word to describe just how highly I think of this girl.  Her photography is second to no one, and she has a heart of gold!  Not only did I manage to find Edmonton's BEST photographer, but she picked me to work with her!  AND she's one of my very best friends!  Melissa is so easy to talk to, and she's fun to work with!  Neither of us feel like we are working when we get together for a shoot, and our clients echo the same sentiments - what we do, is fun!  And I can only atribute it to the incredible chemistry Melissa and I have together.  We speak the words of beauty insanely well, and when we get together to collaborate on a shoot the creative juices start flowing and we end up bouncing idea after idea off of each other until a "little project" has become an incredible masterpiece!  Melissa and I clicked from the first moment we met, and I'm always excited to work with her and see her.  She's one of the best people I know and I'm so lucky to have her in my life - I won the lottery.

I also won the friend lottery.  Several times in fact.  From my boys back in Calgary who always accepted I was "one of the boys" and there was no place I would rather be that in a pub watching hockey with them, to my girls who share my unique sense of adventure and are always up for crazy, stupid, hilarious, ideas, that usually get us into trouble but always give us an awesome story to tell.  And the new friends I’ve met in Edmonton, people who knew went out of their way to welcome me, and make me feel included.  People who message me within moments of me posting a frustrated status on facebook just to check if everything is okay.  People who always offer services to babysit to give Ben and I a date night without us ever having to ask first.  I also have friends online, miles apart but no more than a message away, friends who have become closer to me than people I used to see every day.  People who were always there for me when I was stressed out, needed advice or had good news to share.  I have a large group of caring, thoughtful, intelligent, fun, generous, loving friends in my life that I have stories with, I’ve cried with, I’ve laughed until I cried with, and always fill my heart with so much love after seeing or talking to them.  I won the Lottery. 

I cannot forget my family win too – I won that too, I know, I’m like… super lucky!  There is such a stigma about the “In-laws” or the “Mother in Law” in which it seems the amount of people in this world who actually really love and enjoy the company of their in-laws is so few and far between, but not this chick.  My in-laws are some of the kindest, most loving, caring people I’ve ever met!  I’m not just saying that either.  Ben has such a close relationship with his parents, and I clearly understand why!  A day at Mom and Dad’s place is usually filled with drinks, great food, a little bit of picking on Dad, Mom piping in with “that’s what she said” and lots of stories and laughs.  Often Ben and I will go see Ben’s parents as our “night out”.  Mom is one of the easiest people to talk to, and she will often give me a call during the day just to check in, and chat!  She feels more like a girlfriend to me!  Dad gives some of the best hugs, and always has a pun or some sagely advice for whatever you might be discussing!  They have helped us in more ways that I can count!!  Moving us, helping paint, renovations, projects, babysitting – Mom and Dad are always there for us, and always go above and beyond.  They once volunteered to come paint our bedroom while we were at work to help us get ready to sell our Condo!  We weren’t even there!  Ben’s parents are some of the best people I know, and I’m so thankful that I get to call them Mom and Dad.  There’s a saying “You can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family”  I couldn’t have picked better in-laws had I tried!  I won the Lottery. 

Last, but certainly not least – I won the Baby Lottery.  I didn’t even know such a thing existed, but here I am!  I’m going to put on my bragging Mom hat here, but seriously – my child is perfect.  Inara is such a happy baby, she’s calm, she’s focused, and she loves to smile and laugh.  When she was 4 weeks old we discovered she had an allergy to cows milk protein in her formula, know how we knew?  She was a little bit fussy.  Yup.  That’s it.  Inara didn’t really cry, and never fussed usually, so when she seemed a little bit upset or agitated that tipped us off that there was something wrong.  I felt like a crazy mom going into the Stollery telling the doctor “she’s a little bit fussy” and trying to have them take me seriously, but she was such a calm quiet baby that “a little bit fussy” was cause for alarm.  THAT’S how good we had it!!  When Inara was 2 weeks old and had gained all her birth weight and lots more, we were told we could go to on-demand feedings.  Immediately she started giving us 4 hour chunks.  By 6 weeks old she was giving us 6 hours, and by 8 week we were getting a solid 8 out of her.  At 9 weeks old we were getting 10-12 hours a night, and it’s been that way since.  She puts herself to sleep most of the time, and aside from a couple weeks in July when she went through a weird phase, she’s out at the latest by 8pm.  We used to visit friends and bring the Pack & Play with us, and once Inara was asleep, we were free to stay as long as we liked, and be as loud as we wanted to – Inara slept through everything (including a very loud screening of the original Fast and the Furious Movie in the next room!).  When she was 5 months old we went to Mexico, and while waiting to board the plane to come back to Edmonton Inara fell asleep, so we made a little bed on our carry-on luggage for her to sleep on.   While she was sleeping we kept getting very loud obnoxious intercom announcements overhead that blared in our ears.  Finally after 30 minutes of announcements in both English and Spanish one of our travel companions said “What I want to know is – how is that Baby still sleeping, and what kind of black magic is this that I can apply to when I have a child in the future?”  She’s awesome.  It’s rare that she cries when she wakes, and the first thing we see in the morning is her grin ear to ear, and the last thing we see at night is that same grin as she waves good night.  This may mean that our next child might be the complete opposite, but right now, when it comes to Inara – I won the lottery. 

I’ve been very fortunate in my life – not always mind you, it hasn't always been flowers and rainbows, and I have had my share of disappointment and heartache, but I feel like these days I really have no complaints in the way my life has turned out.  It’s all been worth it to this point.   Every lame boyfriend, or fair-weather friend has just been a lottery ticket that didn’t pan out – all leading up to where I am these days. 

I won. 

Learning to Run

I am a runner.

I put on clothing containing some percentage of spandex and or Luon (whatever that is) and I laced up my shoes and ran - there for, I'm a runner.  Right?  That's how it works right?  I thought so anyway.

2 years ago I decided I wanted to be a runner, so I did just that - I went outside, and I ran....  a few houses anyway, I was wheezing pretty hard by the end of the block, and for the rest of my run I was a walker.  Next time would be better though...

Nope.  Same thing.

I would plug in my headphones, turn on my running app, and go for as long as I possibly could before I ended up slowing to a walk panting and wheezing and dying for several blocks.  Then once I felt like I had regained enough of my lung capacity I would run again, for as far and as long as I could before slowing to a sputtering, limping, gasping slow pace.  I did this for an entire summer, and I called myself a runner!  I even thought I was getting better!  In looking back though - I was pretty much doing the same thing each time without any improvement of time or distance.  As well, every time I ran I would have blisters between my toes, and shin splints in my legs, but runners get those right?

At the end of 2011, I got a pair of Vibrams in an effort to fix the blister problem, and the first time I ran in them in 2012, I discovered in the first few steps the cause of my shin splints.  Turns out I had a really hard strike on my heel when I ran, and rather than keeping my weight on top of the ball of my foot with each step, I was instead reaching my legs out far in front of me and striking with my heel - causing the shin splints.  I couldn't feel it when I had my runners on, but with Vibrams there is less between you and the concrete, so you are more aware of how you are stepping.  By the end of that run I had corrected my step, and I never got shin splints from a run again!  Who knew there was a form to this running business?!

That's about all I can report of my 2012 running season though, because by the time the snow melted I was already sporting this belly:

Which bounced with each step and it hurt to run.  2012 - I was a walker.

This year though - this year I'm a runner again.  I'm so much of a runner, that I signed up for my very first 5k!  (I've never "run" more than 3ish k before)  I was so nervous registering for that run, that I had butterflies, and I was shaking!  eep!  Especially since I filled out the form before the snow melted, and not only had I not run since fall 2011 - but I had just had a baby and was only just getting back into any sort of exercise.

As soon as the days got warm enough to bring Inara out in the stroller I strapped on the Vibrams and off I went full tilt, followed by a puff, cough, and sputter.  I figured I was doing pretty good, for it being my first time back, so I went again the next day, and then the next - same thing each time.  Then I went the next week, and the week after that!  Then... well, then I walked for a bit.  I had to get some groceries one day, and I had to pick up the dry cleaning the next time, and then I didn't even walk - Inara was not napping properly so I didn't want to screw with her sleep schedule by taking her out in the stroller to run - before I knew it, I had less than a month to train for this 5k, and I realized I really needed to get my ass in gear!!

With a new resolution to destroy that 5k away I went!  I made it 1.5k and was wheezing and cramping so bad I headed home early.  When I got in the door I admitted defeat and texted my friend Lisa to ask for advice.  Lisa is no stranger to running shoes, and has many a race of her own under her belt (and she's Hot).  I told her that my endurance sucked and I needed advice.  I had been trying to run the whole 5k and just improve on the time I did it in - but Lisa told me to master a shorter distance before trying to run the whole length - immediately that sounded good to me!  I had been dreading running because I was really starting to feel like I sucked at it, and no one likes to do things they aren't good at!  I didn't feel anything like a runner - I felt like a chubby wannabe puffing and panting my way around my neighbourhood, a spectacle for the people pruning their hedges and mowing their lawns.  Then Lisa gave me the best advice so far, she told me to never max out on my run shift - meaning to never run as much as I possibly could before walking.  If I could run for 3.5 minutes before I needed to walk, then alternate running 3 minutes and walking one.  By running for less than I could, I actually end up doing better!  When I think of running, I think of someone running the entire time, and perhaps there are people that do that - but Lisa said that even running as much as she does, she still does walking shifts.  I had no idea!  I just thought you did the walking shifts until you get to a point where you can run the full time!

I clearly don't know much about this whole running business, and there does seem to be more to it than lacing on a pair of shoes.

Of course I'm really not a great runner at all, so I do a 1 minute run, 1 minute walk.  I did it tonight for the first time and went 2.6 km, and I felt amazing!  I realized that I didn't reach my "oh my god I want to die, just walk the rest" stage until I was almost home, but even then I still ran and walked those last minutes because I kept telling myself "it's only a minute, it's just a minute" the whole time!  I walked in the door with a huge smile on my face!  I felt like I ran the distance, the distance didn't run me!

Funny how 2 years into my quest to become a runner I finally discovered how to run!  I'm going to stick to my 1min/1min lap for a week before attempting a 2min/1min and keep building up from there.

I'm not expecting to break any records on my 5k race, I know now that I have a lot to learn, and it's going to take me a little more than 3 weeks to build up my endurance to get to my 5k with a decent running time, but the fact that I finally learned HOW to get there makes me feel like I already won!  It seems like a silly enough thing, but for someone built for strength rather than speed (runners legs I have not) it's one of those plateau breaking sort of moments when something finally clicks and you can take your workout to the next level - it feels damn good!

So to my dear (and Hot) friend Lisa - THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!  You have given me a new love for running all over again!  I'll see you at the Finish line!

Pregnancy Insider Info (Part One)

This last week a dear friend of mine found out she was expecting her first baby, and with most pregnancy excitement comes questions - lots of questions.  As I was fielding a few of them, I was told "You need to write this stuff down, I bet lots of people would want to know this!"  ...so here it is!

I'm not saying I'm the authority, not in the least, however I do have a sort of "tell it like it is" mentality, and in the past people have expressed that they value the insider info I have given them - just keep in mind, any and all information I have regarding pregnancy, birth, and post birth is all my own experiences and research I've done.  That's the thing, you can read about my thoughts on pregnancy, but these things were all specific to me - we are all different people, we all have different pregnancies. That being said, when I was pregnant I found getting the real deal experiences from other mom's was far more valuable than anything my doctor could tell me!  So here goes!

Just so I'm not jumping all over the map, I'll try to write things as I think of them starting with the beginning, and following a pregnancy timeline.

So - you've discovered you're pregnant (or not - just play along)... Congrats!  First things first - Celebrate.  While it's true that miscarriage  or other issues are a possibility, you will make yourself sick if you spend your whole nine months stressing and worrying, and at the end of the day, you will look back and regret not taking more time to enjoy the little things!  When you see those double lines on that plastic test, allow yourself to squeal, cry happy tears and hug your partner!  This is supposed to be a happy time!  Live in that moment - there are countless woman and men all over the world praying for that very second that you are currently standing in - don't let it slip by without giving it some happiness!

Now....

 I don't mean to burst your bubble, but the first few weeks are the rough ones, there are times when something doesn't go right and your body terminates the pregnancy through no fault of your own - often it just understands that something wasn't mixed right, or the blue prints are missing something important.  This is why you usually find out someone is expecting when they are about 12 weeks along.  12 weeks is the golden mark - the beginning of the 2nd trimester, and although you aren't out of the woods, things are a little clearer.  I would suggest only keeping your announcement list short in those first few weeks for this reason - I know you want to shout it from the rooftops (believe me I know) but if something were to happen, it's a much smaller group of people that you have to give the news to later on.

6 weeks is usually when the nausea kicks in.  For me, it was 6 weeks to the day.  I was totally fine one day, the next, I'm feeling like throwing up because Ben cooked stirfry with onions for dinner!  From 6 weeks on, my taste buds and sense of smell were not my own.  So if I can offer you any advice - if you are just in the early stages of pregnancy - eat.  Eat everything.  Have all your favorites!  I found from 6 weeks on, I couldn't do steak - couldn't even smell it cooking (Much to my husbands dismay).  Fish either - bleh.  The only time I truly thought I was going to throw up during my pregnancy was when Ben served me fish for dinner one night.  My mom told me she couldn't have "red sauce" (Spaghetti, curry etc) it was too acidic and would make her have serious heartburn.  Eat all that stuff early.... just in case.

For me personally, I found my nausea was almost exclusively "Hunger Nausea" I would suddenly get so sick between meals - so I found I needed to prepare my life and keep cereal at work, crackers in the car, and candies in my purse.  A pregnant woman should always ALWAYS carry food with her, even if you are just running out for a quick errand.  One day we were driving from Edmonton to Fort Sask to have lunch with Ben's parents (about a 30 min drive) about 5 minutes into the drive I got hungry.  Now for those of you who don't know - there is a HUGE difference between Hungry, and Pregnancy Hungry.  When you are hungry, it can usually take you an hour or two to go from "yeah, I could eat" to "I'm starving!"  For a pregnant woman you go from "I think I need to eat something" to "I'm going to knaw off your arm if you don't get me food right this second" in about 4 minutes flat.  Ben laughed at me because about 2 minutes after expressing I was hungry, I started frantically searching the car, and looking in the glove box in hopes that I would find some forgotten hard candy, or some crackers.  2 minutes after that, I made him stop so we could get something.  It literally happens that fast!  I could go from "Thanskgiving Dinner Full" to "Missed Lunch, and starving" in 30 minutes.

When I first got pregnant I actually lost weight in the first few weeks, because I was trying not to do the whole "I'm eating for two" thing and gorge on food (since they tell you you actually only need about 200 more calories to account for baby), but as it turns out - I needed to increase my calories quite a bit more, as I've been dieting for so many years my body naturally runs on fewer, and the baby took them all - meaning I always felt like I was running on empty!  Of course there is a difference between increasing calories with Oreos and with lean protein and veggies - make the right choice, you are responsible for feeding your baby, and there's nothing like giving your newborn Oreos.

And on the topic of healthy nutrition, do you know why you are told to cut back on caffeine during pregnancy?  It's because caffeine cancels out the calcium in your body, and your baby needs calcium for proper brain development.  So in those beginning stages, if you do opt for a coffee now and then, ensure that you are matching it with a tall glass of milk!  Speaking of which, have you heard about those woman who have their babies kick so hard they crack ribs?  It's not just because they are growing super babies - but more so that their little one has taken all the calcium in their body for it's own development, and your own bones end up a little more on the fragile side.  When you are pregnant, you need to triple the amount of calcium you are consuming because baby always gets first dibs of everything - you get what's left over.  I went through so much milk, cheese and yogurt during my pregnancy I probably could have gotten a bulk discount at a dairy farm!

You will also run at a higher temperature in the coming months - AC is important, so is large rubbermaid bins with cold water in them that you can cool your feet in on hot days.  If you need to sleep with the window open, the AC on, and a fan going - do it - Hubby can have an extra blanket.  I was pregnant during the summer, and from June through to October I didn't sleep in anything more than my own skin, nor did I even have a sheet on me.  I typically run at a higher temperature pre-pregnancy, but my little bean had the same issue going on, and our combined heat made me feel a little feverish. Even in November when I was waiting for Inara's arrival, Mom and Dad would visit and bring sweaters and slippers, where as, I was waddling around in shorts and a tank top with my heat set at 18 degrees.

Your body will change.  This is a given, but did you know your hair and skin will change too?  Your feet will get bigger, your hips wider, your skin will produce more oil, your hair thicker, your forehead, neck, back, shoulders, cleavage and chin will all breakout, and you'll be dropping absolutely everything!  The reason for this is Hormones.  The extra oil is produced to help your skin stretch  (dry skin being stretched hurts!) this is that "glow" everyone is talking about.  I found I just looked greasy, and having lived my whole life with extremely dry skin, I didn't know how to handle this new found oil - my skin didn't either, hence the breakouts!  Another perk to dry skin is very few acne issues - but oil = pimples, and they are everywhere!  The bigger hips, feet and loose grip is a result of your body loosening your ligaments to make way for baby.  I don't know the scientific terms for everything, but basically your body releases a hormone that stretches all of your ligaments - this allows your pelvis to seperate, your hips to slide out to enlarge the birth canal, and everything seems to rearrange to make way.  Unfortunately this hormone isn't just lower equator specific, and you will find you are dropping everything you try to grasp, as your hands no longer have a tight grip on things.  I once dropped a curling iron on a client while I was doing her hair - I was mortified, but having just had a baby of her own, she was completely understanding, and thankfully didn't get burnt!

As for the thicker hair - well, that's just awesome.  No idea why it happens.  I'm sure there is some scientific explanation  but I don't recall stumbling across it during any of my reading.  Either way, it doesn't matter why it happens, just enjoy is while you can.  The odd thing is, I didn't just get thick hair - I got straight hair.  I went from a head full of corkscrew curls, to not even needing to plug in the straightener before heading out for the day!  A lot of moms I asked had their hair change slightly, from looser waves to a little curlier, or vice versa, but so far none have encountered a change as drastic as my own.   I'm hoping Inara took a few of my curls, but my mom told me I was 2 before any sort of curl showed itself, so I guess I have a bit of time to wait yet.

Once you get well into your pregnancy, there's not really anything to report - just take each day at a time, embrace your waddle, and try to keep as active as possible - leg cramps suck - eat bananas and make sure you drink lots of water (yes I know that increases the frequency of your bathroom trips - but it's better than middle of the night calf muscle cramps - trust me.  Your husband will thank you too).  Oh, speaking of water - never drink the full 4 eight ounce cups of water before your ultrasounds.  I had 4 ultrasounds in my pregnancy, and each time they had to get me to go pee so they could clearly see the baby - my bladder was too full and it was squishing her.  You are pregnant, your bladder is smaller at the best of times!  I think 4 cups is the requirement for non preggo's, and they didn't realize they should adjust the quantity for pregnant woman,  Go for 3 cups - it's enough, and you will be less angry when they make you sit in the waiting room for 15 minutes before your appointment.  Your husband will thank you.

Oh - that's another thing, this is his baby too - let him come to the prenatal appointments to hear the heartbeat, and go to every ultrasound to see them squirm and wriggle - they can't feel them inside, so this is a way for them to experience their childs life before they are born too!  I also told Ben right off the bat, that I needed him to be with me just on the off chance we were ever told bad news - I would need the support, and there is no way I would be able to drive myself home after hearing something was wrong.  Thankfully we never got bad news, but I was happy to have Ben by my side through everything anyway.

A Note for the Husbands:

At this point in her life, that awesome cool, chill person you fell in love with is gone.  She is emotional, she is high strung, she will burst into tears if you deny her a food she's been craving.  She's also no longer in control of her vesel.  If your "I'll eat anything" wife suddenly becomes the pickiest eater on the planet - take it in stride.  Don't get mad at her, she can't help what tastes good, and what makes her want to go tearing down the hall to the bathroom.  I know you spent all afternoon preparing her your special signature dish only for her to just want a PB&J sandwich, she's not doing it to offend you - I promise.  As well, I know you are only trying to do whats best, but if you make a single comment about how much weight your wife has put on at any point in her pregnancy, she will go Black Widow on your ass.  At one point at my bi-weekly checkups, a male intern came in to talk to me before my OB arrived, and noticed the 7 pound jump in weight I had between my appointments, and said "we're concerned that you have put on too much weight, so if you could not gain anymore that would be great".  This particular week was the +35 degree week that hit Edmonton where I was retaining so much fluid my ankles packed up and left town, and I was only 20 weeks into my pregnancy (having only gained 16 pounds total).  That comment ate at me for months!  I stewed about it, talked about it, and rationalized my weight gain to Ben again and again, until finally Ben told me if he ever saw that guy again - he will take him out to the hall to have a little chat with him.  Calling a pregnant woman fat is the WORST thing you could do - even in a joking manner.  Your wife has a great sense of humour, but along with her taste buds, her emotions are not her own either, and considering she's already gaining weight at an alarming rate (something most woman spend plenty of their lives trying to prevent from happening) she's more than a little sensitive about her size, and she will not find the humour in making a beeping noise when she steps back, or suggesting a moo moo when she laments about not fitting clothes.  Don't do it.  Be sensitive to this crazy hormonal time in her life.  Your wife will thank you.



....To Be Continued.... (I have so much more to say, and this is already a long post, so I'll save the rest for another writing session!)

My 5 month old

Inara is 5 months old.  How did she get to be 5 months old?  The days seem to be flying by, and I feel I need to write some things down before I forget all of the amazing things that we have experienced this first year!

So here's a 5 month recap!

Inara was born November 8th 2012, the day after a wicked snow storm.  She was brought into the world by C-section, and after 3 long days in the hospital, we were allowed to go home.

Shortly after that we discovered I was unable to breastfeed and she had lost a whole pound from her birth weight.

But once we put her on formula, she grew like a weed! 

At 9 days old she was 8 pounds 3 ounces, having grown 13 ounces in just three days on formula. 

At 10 days old we visited Auntie Melissa who did New Born photos of her, and she slept the whole time, and was a great subject:

From 2-4 weeks old Inara slept 3-4 hours at a time, but since she was formula fed, Ben and I traded off feedings so we each got longer chunks of time to sleep.  She would go to bed around 11-12am, and then Ben would do the feeding at 3am, and I would do it at 5:30am.

At 4 weeks old we discovered blood in Inara's diapers, and after a visit to the stollery and several consultations with nurses we finally had our Pediatrician diagnose a Cows Milk Protein allergy, and at 6 weeks old, Inara was put on a hypoallergenic formula.  As well at 4 weeks Inara started smiling.

Also at 6 weeks old, she was already wearing 6 month old clothing, and I had packed up all the 0-3 month clothes.  

Once we switched her formula's she started sleeping for 5 and 6 hours at a time, and on Jan 2nd (Ben's first day back to work after the Christmas holidays) Inara slept 8 straight hours. 

At 9 weeks Inara started sleeping 12 hours at night most every night, with the occasional night of only 8 hours.

At 10 weeks old, Inara was moved into 9 month sleepers and was maxing the doctors charts with 99th percentile for weight, 97th for height and 98th for head size.  She grew a pound+ a week for the first 10 weeks.

At 13 weeks old Inara outgrew her 9month sleepers and needed 12 month sleepers.  We were cycling through clothing at an alarming rate so I finally sent out a plea to moms through facebook for anyone who had sleepers they could let me borrow for a couple weeks.  Thankfully I have amazing friends and I recived an outpouring of clothing and gifts to help me through!

At 14 weeks, Inara was figuring out her hands, and started putting everything in her mouth, and was sleeping in a routine where she would nap for 2-3 hours a day, allowing Mom to finally get some things done around the house, and get better at timing chores and meals.

Around 15 weeks we had her in the Jolly Jumper, and it fast became one of her favorite activities

At about 17 weeks she started to develop a real laugh, and is adamant that she wants to sit up all the time.  Inara will only lay in a reclined position while she is drinking, but the second you pull the bottle away, you need to sit her up, or she kicks her legs, tenses her abs and squeals to be upright! 

Inara also started slowing down the growth spurts during this time.  Her 12 month sleepers lasted 6 weeks rather than just 3 before needing to size up!

19 weeks - 18 month sleepers

At 20 weeks Inara started teething to the point of screaming in the evenings and just wanted to be held all day - poor girl :(

At 21 weeks, she was still working on sitting up, but her tummy time has come a very long way, and she lifts her head and looks around now, rather than screaming to be flipped back over!

And that all brings us up to 22 weeks this week.  Still teething, with nothing coming up to stay (one tooth popped up and went back down 3 times but hasn't returned since) and she's still wearing her 18 month sleepers.  My little girl amazes me every day, and her smile makes my world.  Looking back at these photos and remembering what happened when, I cannot believe how quickly 5 months have flown by!  She'll be walking in no time!

My new Body

It took me a long time to get up the courage to write this post, and an even longer time to be okay enough with the situation to want to share.

I have never been thin.  Never.  When I was a baby my mom had issues with breastfeeding, so I was put on Formula, and ended up being a little butterball right from my earliest days.

  When I was 4 I was diagnosed with a very rare auto immune disease that I was treated with using Steroids, among other drugs, which plumped me up for several years.

When I was 12 I had a doctor take a look at my awful eczema all over my arms and legs, and proclaim he could cure it - putting me once again, on Steriods, which resulted in me gaining about 50 pounds in Junior High.  Since then, I have worked every day at trying to get it off again. 

I spent many years doing the Yo-yo thing, where my weight goes up, I fight it back down, a year later I'm up again.  It's exhausting. 

After so many years, as much as I wanted to be a smaller size of myself, I had sort of come to terms with my body - I was thick, with my semi flat stomach and bubble butt, my heavy legs and large arms, I knew my body, I knew which pants would work, which shirts to avoid, and had made peace with my shape. 

Then Inara came along. 

I had always thought that when my time came to be pregnant, that I would be pregnant EVERYWHERE.  Meaning I thought I would be one of those woman that get the very round face, and put on pounds on their arms, legs, bum, everything.  I was expecting to have to inform people of my pregnancy on a regular basis so they wouldn't mistake me for just being really over weight.  But much to my surprise - I didn't.  I was all belly.  You couldn't even tell I was pregnant from the back, and aside from not being able to close my pre-preggo pants in the front, I could still get them up and over the tush in the back.

Needless to say, I was pretty thrilled!  I kept thinking to myself that I would get rid of the weight in no time after Inara's birth, and that I would be back to toned and happy in a matter of weeks. 

Unfortunately what I didn't realize, was that my body would be changed forever.  Pregnancy, and then child birth re-arranges a few things on you.  The body you are left with, is not the same one you went into this whole experience with. 

The first, and most obvious change, was to my midsection.  Here's the thing about looking like you are carrying twins... it takes a LOT of skin to stretch out that far, and once the baby is out, and your uterus has shrunk back down, you are left with that skin - that sort of, deflated balloon paunch.  Mommy Tummy is a term you may have heard - this is what they are referring to.  9 months of stretching leaves  you with a lot of skin, and unfortunately it's all collected in a circle right around your belly button. 

It's one thing to lose pounds, and tone your muscles, but it takes a little longer to tighten skin.  Excercise and eating right, definitely helps, but it takes time.  I read a pregnancy book once that said 9 months to change your body, 9 months to put it back - so in thinking I could be in tip top shape just a few months after delivering my daughter was pretty naive of me. 

Another change I wasn't expecting, was the effect pregnancy had on my breasts.  Now I've never been large chested by any stretch of the imagination, but these days, I feel a little - deflated for lack of a better word.  At the beginning of my pregnancy I had jumped into another workout regime to get me in better shape and shed a few pounds, so I had my chest measurements taken down, and in those first few weeks I was thrilled to find my chest growing in inches, and I ended up growing a cup size, and sporting some full firm cleavage!  I knew they wouldn't last, I knew I would lose my awesome rack when Inara was born, but I thought I would go back to where I was, rather than end up with something completely new to me.  My breasts are squishy now, the firmness is gone, and I can no longer boast the cleavage I used to have without the help of a push up bra. 

Needless to say, this was a little difficult to deal with, and ended up being the cause of one of my breakdowns (see previous post).  After a shower one day, I put on a bra, and noticed the flatness of my breasts -  they didn't seem to be able to fill the bra cups anymore, and the curvature on the top was gone.  I cried.  It's a silly thing to cry about, but in those first few weeks when you don't feel like yourself anymore, its kind of sad to realize the body you once knew is gone too.  This was one of the main reasons I started opting for Sports Bra's.  A sports bra isn't made for cleavage and lift, it's made to support, and tightly flatten the girls down for any sort of activity you may throw at them, and I just needed to not notice my breasts at that point.  I even started sleeping in sports bra's, or t-shirts, just to hide my body away. 

Another change, was the lovely addition of stretch marks across my belly.  I had been doing so well, I went 36 weeks without so much as a mark, and then one day getting out of the shower I noticed a line on each side, the next day there were two, two days after that, 4.  They started sprouting up at an alarming rate in those last few weeks, and unfortunately, they don't vanish once the baby is born.  No, I still have them, and will always have them. 

Just below the stretch marks is my Cesarian scar.  My daughter's entry into the world.  A thick red curved line about 5 inches in length.  The skin around it is numb from my doctor cutting through the nerve endings.  

The night my water broke, I took a picture.  Just before heading to the hospital, I took one last shot of the belly in all it's glory:

At that point in time, I knew I was in for sleepless nights and crying babies, and more diaper changes than I knew what to do with, but I had no idea how much motherhood would change me. 

Once I was cleared to workout again 8 weeks postpartum, I got all set up, and took a bunch of before pictures so I could have something to look back at once I reached my goal, but I didn't workout that day.  I took one look at the pictures, and sat on the end of the bed and cried.  The extra skin from my pregnancy hung like a flap over my waist band, and the stretch marks were thick and purple all over my pale skin.  My breasts were small and flat, and I couldn't find one thing I loved about myself in those photos.  It was a hard day.  A day I wasn't expecting to be honest. 

Since that day, I've done a lot of work.  Work on my body, work on my diet, and mostly work on my self esteem.  I know I've grown a lot in the past couple months, and I think I'm now in a place where I'm not embarassed or ashamed of my new body, I'm proud. 

My body is amazing.  This body made the most perfect baby girl from scratch.  This body grew a person from a single cell.  This body was home to my daughter, it provided protection, and nutrients, it took care of her before I knew how.  My skin stretched as far as it needed to to hold my child, and the marks it bares are a symbol of it's strength.  This body created life, and not just any life - this body created the life of the most precious gift I have ever been given - this body created Inara.  And for that, I have nothing but love and gratitude for it.

This is my new body, it's not perfect, but it is Amazing.

These are not the emotions I was looking for...

You might be a new mother if....

... you meant to laugh, but instead you broke down into tears

You might be a new mother if....

.... someone asks you what's wrong, and you honestly have no idea





I could go on, but the point I'm making is that your emotions are no longer your own.  If you thought pregnancy hormones were fun, you are in for the ride of your life when they suddenly crash in your system.  It's a little like losing your mind, and having no way to explain what's going on to your loved ones.

They cutely call this Baby Blues, but I find this expression is not at all aptly named, sure my baby did have something to do with the current state of my emotions, but to say baby blues I think implies that you are in some way sad about baby, and that could not be further from the truth!

Here's a secret I'm going to share with you - every single new mom will have a break down at some point where all they are able to do for a little while is cry.  This is NORMAL!  What's not normal is feeling that way, not wanting to get out of bed, and regretting your little bundle of love or having some anger or hatred toward your child - this is cause for help, so please please call someone if you are ever feeling this way. 

Sadly no one really talks about this because of the fear of showing the slightest emotion and having Child Services suddenly arrive at your door.  I'm going to be honest - one night, I cried because Ben was so exhausted living on 4 hours of sleep a night, that he fell asleep on the couch right after dinner, and I didn't get to talk to him.  I understood the situation, and I don't fault Ben at all - I would do the same, but I was just a little down that I didn't get to spend time with him, and to the post pardom body "a little down" turns into "cry for an hour".  It's annoying to say the least.

Think about this, you see someone cry, and you immediately think something really horrible happened, but for a new mom, it could be as frivolous as dropping the only soother she brought with her, and she was just annoyed that she didn't bring a spare.  The problem is, only new mom's understand it, anyone else would think "holy shit - this lady is completely unstable, there is no way they can care for their baby like this!".  Even my own husband did a bunch of research on Post Pardem Depression when I admitted to him that I was having a rough day.  I know one mother who was worried that if she showed the slightest emotion other than pure joy at all times her husband would have her admitted to a mental hospital, but unfortunately, attempting not to break down, has the opposite effect.

I feel I'm not doing a very good job of explaining what the hormone crash does to you, and how this is different from PPD.  I love my daughter with all my heart, I smile ear to ear when I see her chubby cheeks, and when other people are holding her, I cant' wait to get her back to hug her again.  I have hundreds of photos of her on my phone, and once I tuck her in, I often spend hours just looking at pictures and videos of her - She is the best thing I've done, and I'm constantly in disbelief that I made the most perfect little girl imaginable.  However, I still have moments that make me break down in tears, and I can't explain why.  I'm not depressed, I'm actually quite happy a lot of the time, but my emotions are all out of whack.

The other night I mentioned wanting to get up earlier to get a workout in before Inara was up for the day because I really don't have any excuse not to get it done, and Ben said that he was trying to encourage me to workout, but didn't want to come off as nagging me, and I said that I knew that and that I appreciated it.  Simple enough conversation right?  Except that when Ben said he wanted to encourage me, I burst into tears and sobbed on his shoulder, blubbering that I appreciated him trying to support me.  This is a common occurrence to every new mom out there.  At one point I was having a casual conversation with my mom, and suddenly started crying, in seeing the concerned look on my mom's face I ended up blurting out between sobs "I'm really not this upset, it's the hormones!" which made us both laugh.  

I have mentioned my Mom's group a couple times on my blog, and at one point when I was having a rough day, I admitted it to the girls, a little worried about what they would say, and rather than comments like "maybe you should call a friend" or statements of concern, instead the girls all started to share stories of when they broke down for "no apparent reason", which honestly made me feel a lot better.  This is how I know every mom goes through this.  One of our girls just became a mom a couple weeks ago, and sure enough, checked in to say that she too was having cry fests over the weirdest things!

I blame the hormones.

Sure I was "sensitive" before having a baby, but this just goes ten steps further!  Ben is used to my mixed up emotions by now, and actually thinks it's kind of amusing.  In the middle of a mundane conversation he'll hear the inflection in my voice, and demand "Are you crying?" because it's funny for me to blubber "Yes!  And No, I don't know why!" 

So let this be a Public Service Announcement to Husbands, Fathers, Siblings and Friends...  We can't control the emotions, it's embarrassing and annoying to us, and it's no reason to call the authorities or to judge our ability to take care of our child.


Don't judge, and don't stare - just offer a hug, and a tissue.  We'll be okay in a minute. 

The Mom Uniform

I didn't really notice it happen, it just sort of did...  but today I was made very aware of my Mom Uniform.

I'm sure you can picture it.  Those of you who have run into me in the last few months, have witnessed it - it's always the same:

-Hair air dried, or in a pony tail, bun, or under a hat

-T-shirt with a burp cloth or some sort of spit up mark on the left shoulder

-Yoga pants or baggy sweats

-Slip on faded loafers

-No makeup, bags under eyes, and unkempt eyebrows.


I did a quick check in my Mobile uploads just now - and sure enough any picture I've posted in the last bit has me looking exactly like that:

Truth be told, in the picture second from the bottom at the Vet office it was only in that moment shortly after the picture was taken, when I had already spoken with the Vet, and was just waiting to hear about Emmy's test results that I discovered a large spit up stain all over my shoulder and down my sleeve from an unfortunate incident that my washing machine failed to remove.  I still wore that shirt one more time that week before I sprayed it down with stain remover and washed it again. 

The other day I was annoyed that I had to wear my "other" yoga pants because my "going out" yoga pants were in the wash.  I never thought I would ever have "going out yoga pants" but here we are.  It's breaking so many "what not to wear" rules it's not even funny.  Inara on the other hand, always looks adorable in matching outfits, sweaters, hats, and dresses!  

I'm the makeup artist that rarely wears makeup.  I'm the hairstylist who doesn't style her hair!  I have 4 shirts that I rotate - 2 men's XL shirts I bought when I was pregnant from Value Village when I could no longer fit my maternity shirts, and 2 maternity shirts that are extra long.  My body is different now, clothing fits me differently, and until I lose some weight or buy some clothes, I have a uniform.


I didn't really notice my uniform until today, actually.  Today is Valentines Day.  It's just another day to Ben and I, as we never celebrate it, or even acknowledge it more than a text message or funny picture sent between us, but I just so happened to have got my hair cut today, and that made all the difference in how I saw myself.

I got a trim, plus some much needed layering, and then my wonderful stylist curled my hair for me!  I can't really remember the last time I had my hair curled for me, but I can guarantee it was before Inara was born!  But it's amazing what a curling iron can do for your whole outlook!

I left the salon with bouncy curly gorgeous hair that several people complimented me on, and it changed the way I felt for the whole day, so when I came home, I did my makeup put on earrings and a necklace, sprayed a little perfume, put on a real bra (not just a sports bra), and put on a dress!  I also chilled some wine, and made a really nice meal for Ben and I complete with candle light!  Moments before Ben got home I was folding and hanging Inara's clothes in the nursery all done up, and I suddenly had a moment of panic, where I was worried he would think it was weird or silly that I got all dressed up for no reason, and then I would be embarrassed, and for a split second I almost darted back into the our bedroom to put my uniform back on before he arrived.  I know Ben would never say anything but a compliment upon seeing me all done up - but postpardom hormones are a bitch, and they make you a little crazy sometimes.

Sure enough, Ben said I looked great, and complimented my hair, my dress and my earrings, and was thrilled with the dinner I had made.  It's weird, a couple months ago, seeing me in makeup was a daily thing, my hair was always styled in someway - short of a lazy saturday or sunday, and even when I was at my biggest in my pregnancy I was still putting in the effort to look nice:

But these days - I just stick to the uniform.  It just evolved into that I guess.  I started with giving up the straightening iron - I could barely blow dry my hair, let alone have time to staighten it - and forget about the curling iron!  Then my hair didn't even get blow dried anymore, which turned into not even putting product in, or being fine with going out with frizzy flyaway hair.  Then it was a ponytail or bun to keep my hair out of the way (someone is learning to grab onto things that get between her fingers, and she has a sweaty, sticky little grip - so hair up is key) - I actually discovered the other day that my bottom layer of hair has a lot of short broken off hairs from my hair elastics- but I draw the line at scrunchies... save my hair or not - I refuse!

The sweats and over sized shirts just make sense - when Inara was welcomed into the world I still had a large round belly, and lots of extra skin that had taken 9 months to stretch to it's limit - it wasn't about to disappear over night, so I needed to wear bigger sizes to accommodate - as well I was recovering from a C-section, so I needed loose pants with a drawstring waistline that I could wear low so they didn't effect my incision scar while it was healing, and shirts long enough to cover the distance without showing off my lovely stretch marks.  Now a days, the uniform has just been set.  It's easy, it's conveinent, it's comfortable.  It's ugly.

I think that might be part of the whole "losing a part of yourself to Motherhood" that lots of new moms face - bodies change, priorities change, time management changes, and your own cosmetic routines that seemed so ingrained in your daily routine before, ends up taking a backseat to this new bundle of needs.

I was talking to my group of TTC ladies a few weeks back, and mentioned something about Inara, so I snapped a quick picture of her asleep on my shoulder and posted it in our text message chat group, once I looked back at the picture I realized something was missing and added "Don't mind the sports bra, I never got around to putting on a shirt today" my friends laughed, and my picture was met with one my friend posted of her little one on her bare legs with the caption "I didn't put on pants!"  It seems ludicrous to think of someone going the whole day without putting on the most basic of clothing- but to a new mom, it's not so far from the norm.  Some days, I put on clothing just so I won't scare off any unsuspecting neighbours who might have the misfortune of being outdoors when I poke my head out to get the mail!  I still really like my neighbours and still want them to like me - so I will continue to wear shirts when I reach for the weekly flyers.

I hope finding time for curling irons, and makeup gets a little easier as Inara gets a little more independent, or at the very least that I get a little better at my own daily time management.  It seems like such a trivial thing, but it's something I enjoy, and it's something that makes me feel good, and sometimes it's those little feel good things that can change a whole day for the better - like my hair cut today!