I am slowly going Hippie 1,2,3,4,5,6...

Switch?

Well - not exactly.

I'm on a quest for good hair.  I know, I have decent hair - but I think it could be better!  My hair started out straight as a baby, and as I got older it got curlier right up until I got pregnant with Inara:

All Natural Curl

The above photo was taken August 2010, and was styled by scrunching some mousse in my hair straight from the shower and letting it air dry - I love it. 

In the beginning of my pregnancy my curls looked more like this:

And near the end, this was my air-drying result:

My curl has left the building...






Even now, almost 3 months since Inara was born, my hair is still as straight as can be, but I'm on a mission to change that. 

I have been looking into "the Curly Girl Method" also delightfully called "No Poo", for a few years now, and I think I'm going to try it.  What it is, is a no Shampoo cleansing routine that changes your scalp's ph, and trains your body to produce less oil for your hair - thus improving the natural texture (which I hope for me = curls!)

The science behind the method is that our body is meant to be rather self sustaining - we were perfectly designed to take care of the little details, but we live in a consumer society, and these days there are 101 products out there to clean, moisturize, deodorize, volumnize, etc etc..  that our bodies don't end up getting the chance to do what they were meant to do.  You know when you wash your hair, and the next day your hair seems a little limp, and the day after that it's greasy and in desperate need of a cleaning again?  It's because that initial shampoo was done with harsh chemicals (same ingredients as your dish soap in the kitchen - true story, take a look), and it strips the hair of it's natural oil - then your body panics, and produces MORE oil to compensate - but don't strip the oil, and your body will adjust to stop producing so much. 

Also, you know how awesome and slidey your hair feels when you condition it?  Know what that is?  Silicone and Wax.  It coats the hair shaft and actually weighs down hair - and it's one of the main reasons that we need to put that harsh shampoo in our hair, to break down the wax... but then your hair is so dry from the shampoo, you need to put the silicone back in to make it manageable again!  It's a viscous cycle, and I think it's time I broke it! 

I've decided to go shampoo free, and see what kind of hair I end up with!  I've read a lot of blogs, and watched a lot of Youtube videos on the subject, and it is a simple enough process - you give your hair one last deep cleaning with the harsh drug store shampoo (to strip any silicone or wax), and then you switch to washing with a 100% organic natural shampoo bar, or baking soda mixture, and condition with a diluted apple cider vinegar rinse.  It's that simple!  Plus, you don't do it every day!  I would be able to wash my hair once a week, and have volume and (hopefully) curl the other 6 days! 

I found a girl on Youtube who has the kind of hair I have always dreamed of having, and this is her routine - she washes once a week, and lets her hair air dry, and this is her result:

Her hair is gorgeous, full of volume, and she says she never has to use any hair spray because her hair just does whatever she wants it to do now! 

Also - I don't know about you, but I spent an entire season of Survivor loving Ozzy's natural curly hair - his hair was amazing, and I know he wasn't shampooing for the 30+ days he was out on that island!:

It's not all good news however - it's a process, and there is kind of a rough transition period where your hair is getting used to not needing as much oil, so you end up with some greasy hair for a few weeks - from the reviews it sounds like 4-8 weeks seems to be the average transition period.  So lots of hats, buns and updo's during that time.  But once your hair figures out the new routine, your hair is better than ever and ridiculously healthy! 

I found a blog in which a lady took pictures every week of her transition to Shampoo free:
Week One:  

Week Two: 

Week Three:

Week Four:

And then 6 months later (with only washing with the baking soda routine twice a month:

Greasy Hair be gone! 



What I'm looking forward to the most (Aside from the curls) is being able to look good with next day hair, and even third day hair.  With a newborn I've found that my usual "every second day Shower" is becoming more and more difficult to maintain.  It's become an ordeal - even if I manage to pop under the water for a few, I never have time to dry or style my hair afterward, so it usually ends up back in a pony tail, only to look greasy the next day.  My hair is very thin, which is part of my problem - when it lays flat to my head, it gets greasy very quickly, especially if I do any sort of styling with it.  Now don't get me wrong, I still will be showering, and cleaning my body, but to be able to tie my hair up and have a 3 minute shower and not have to deal with styling would give me so much more freedom!  That's usually my biggest frustration with finding time to shower, is knowing that I need a good 30 minutes in order to shower (wash and condition my hair) and then dry and style it so that I can last at least the next day before I have to do it all over again! 

Bonus - the cost!  How many times I've shelled out hard earned cash for the special volume shampoo, curl cream, hair spray etc etc I can't even tell you - it's been a small fortune for sure.  But to be able to use the equivalent of 1/2 cup of baking soda, and 1 cup of apple cider vinegar a MONTH to maintain my hair would be amazing!  I could probably get away with only buying my ingredients once a year, and be set for my styling aids! 

I've already switched to a completely natural hair dye (henna) to maintain my rich auburn hair color (and cover the greys), because I didn't like how much hair I lost down the drain after other dye processes (my hair is too thin to see that much fall out at each shampoo!), so naturally this is the next step!  (Plus $5 for a package of Henna that does my whole head +some as opposed to $150 at the salon, or 3x $25 drug store kits!  I'll take the $5 - plus Henna doesnt' really fade, it grows out, so you cover roots but you usually still have the vibrant hair for several weeks!!!  (I usually go about 8 weeks between dye jobs - or more... it's been more recently...)

I love home made beauty secrets, like honey as a face mask (acne be gone!), and Avocado as a deep hair conditioner, or an Asprin paste as a firming mask, or even Olive Oil as a makeup remover - I love them because they are cheap, and I'm cheap, and they work better than anything I could find at a beauty counter for a fraction of the price.  I love to spend an evening treating myself to some home spa treatments, but we hardly have the budget to fit all those little extra's in, so natural is #1 in my mind!

I grew up with very severe Eczema that covered 90% of my body when I was a child.  It would crack and bleed at all times of the year, and was extremely itchy.  I used to always have scabs on my legs from scratching at night, and kids would tease me about "Molting" or having "old lady skin".  My mom researched every cream, and technique known to man to help me - but what worked best, was having a warm bath with oatmeal (she would make a little bag out of cheese cloth, and tie it with an elastic and drop it in the water with me) and then coat me head to toe with microwaved Vaseline and put on my PJ's to sleep in.  Once again, a natural product saved the day! 

I still struggled with my eczema right up until University until I discovered an amazing "cure"  I stopped washing with soap/body wash in every shower!  I shower every second day at least (and every day in the summer time) but I only lather up my entire body maybe once a week - otherwise I just spot wash (underarms etc) and rinse with water.  I haven't had a bad spot of eczema in a few years now!  Once again, by taking a step back, and letting my body regulate it's own needs, it ended up working out the problem on it's own!  

I'm going to try to trust in my body a little more - if I let it, I believe it'll take care of a few of those things for me!  And, although I joked about becoming a hippie, don't worry, I'm not going to suddenly start wearing hemp and decide to forgo shaving my legs or anything...  :)

But for right now - I am going Shampoo free - so don't be surprised if I look a little less than stellar this month if you run into me - thank goodness is freezing out there, and no one would fault me for wearing a toque at all times!  (it's a good time of year to try this little experiment!)

I'm going to be taking pictures to share my little transition with you, and then I'll write another blog about the whole ordeal at a later date! 

Hope this works!!

The Baby List #1

I am of that age - the baby age.  A few years ago it was the wedding age, and before that - the clubbing "I'm an adult and can do whatever I want" age.  Now being of the Baby age, I have friends all over the place posting sonogram pictures, and announcing weights, heights, and names of their newest additions.  It's kind of fun, this age, and it's awesome to have so many travel along this path with me.  It takes a little of the guess work out of this whole "parenting" thing. 

And trust me - there is A LOT of guess work. 

Sure you can read books, you can take classes, you can research all you want, but until you meet your little one, it's all guess and check, and hope you do something right.  The thing is, we are all raising different people all with their own needs, wants and personalities, so what works for one will not necessarily work for another - but in having so many other parents to swap stories with, you can at least find a few tips and tricks for a good jumping off point. 

Here's a couple of my own.  I've put together a bit of a list of baby items that I've found I've used a lot, and some not at all.

Now since Inara is only 11 1/2 weeks old, I have a long road ahead of me, and she keeps re-writing the rules, so what works now, may not work in a month.  And there are far too many things to mention, so this will be the first of several lists, but as of right now - these are the goods:

Lets start with Swaddle Blankets:

NO:  Before Inara was born, I read in several sources that these Swaddle Me blankets with the velcro were amazing for getting the little bub to sleep through the night - so I bought a couple packs.  Turns out - MY little darling HATED being swaddled so tight - she's a kicker, and likes to be able to put her hands around her face when she sleeps... after all - she had been doing it for 9 months:

YES:  What I do 100% recommend were these Aden and Anais Muslin Swaddle Cloths.  Now I was a firm believer of "a blanket is a blanket" but these cloths are so light and gauzy they keep my little furnace-baby cool so she doesn't get fussy (seriously, give her 5 minutes in your arms, and her hair will be wet with sweat on the back of her head) - plus they are such large cloths I can bundle her arms close to her chest, and still leave the cloth quite baggy around her legs without the whole thing unraveling on me.  And Bonus - they get softer the more you wash them.  I have two right now, and they are in constant heavy rotation!!

Diapers:


We went through the ringer for diapers, and although I don't have a definite Yes and No for which are good and which are bad, I do have pros and cons for the brands I've tried:

Pampers Swaddlers:  Great at first!  These were the first diapers Inara started out in, we loved them immediately and didn't have any issues until she hit around 8 weeks old, and started sleeping longer at night.  My little one has a pretty set schedule of her morning constitutional (we could all be so lucky) in which she usually goes down between 8-10pm, sleeps about 8-10 hours, wakes with a very heavy wet diaper, drinks 9oz of milk, and then goes back down for another 4 hours.  During that 4 hours is when the soiling happens, and 9 times out of 10 she had a diaper leak when I went to pick her up in the morning.  My baby is a heavy wetter - and the diaper did it's job with containing the bulk, but the next time she peed the dams burst, and her sleeper and the mattress cover was always wet.  It was always that one 4 hour chunk of time that those Pampers could not hack the job - the 8 hour stint was fine, and she was perfectly fine for the rest of the day, but after a week of stripping her crib and her each morning, I turned to my peers.  The results came in - Huggies came out on top...

Huggies:  Now we had used Huggies around week 5-6.  Mostly just running through the diapers we had been given as gifts before we had settled on any specific brand, and I'm still not entirely sure if it was the diaper or the food allergy we also discovered around that time, but Inara developed a horrible rash all across her bottom that had her screaming for several days - we decided that we had better be safe than sorry, and went back to Pampers just to make sure.  The rash healed along with her dietary issues, and she went back to being a happy baby.  But once I ran into my early morning issues with the Pampers, I dug out the Huggies I had packed away and started using those again - no issues in the morning... however, we were now getting leaks during the day....  ugh.  I have a theory, Huggies are better for when baby is sleeping, lying flat - but Pampers holds in better when baby has her feet up kicking and playing.  I'm only guessing, but for my wee one, that seems to be the case.  So now I'm buying two types of diapers in each size?  ... hardly cost effective, especially since I have a very big baby who is gaining weight, and jumping diaper sizes faster than I can finish boxes. 

So for now, until I run out of my remaining Pampers and Huggies I am switching back and forth - she only goes to sleep in a Huggies diaper, and gets changed into a Pamper in the morning - but now a new challenger appears...

Kirkland Brand (Costco Diapers):  I had heard wonderful things about Kirkland - for one, the price 210 diapers for $35 is $0.17 a diaper - I can dig.  Also, I like buying things in bulk, Costco was made for people like me - I like to have a well stocked -  everything - perhaps it's the Virgo in me.... anyway.  I had been weary about trying Kirkland only because I had been told that they are manufactured in the Huggies warehouse, and are essentially Huggies in cheaper form (compare diapers - it's true!), and after Inara's rash incident, I didn't want to buy a giant box of diapers only to find out she was allergic to them or something, but after testing out the huggies again, and not finding the same issue, we decided to go for it, and picked up a box... in a SIZE 3!  (where did my newborn go?) We've tried them a few times, and so far, they seem to be working for both night time wear, AND daytime, so once I've used up the last of my remaining Huggies and Pampers (should be this week!), I think we will be able to confidently buy Kirkland from here on out (I hope so anyway!)


Oh, and as a GIANT NO for diapers brands:

 We were given a small Newborn package of Parents Choice diapers at our Baby Shower, and on one of the first times Inara wore one, she soaked through the diaper, her Onsie, her Sleeper, and Auntie Melissa's shirt....  Needless to say, we didn't use those again.  The material is too thin, and feels cheaply made in comparison to the other name brands.  (This was also the very first time we had any sort of leak issue, and the first time Melissa held Inara...sorry Auntie Melissa!)

And as a jumping off point from that topic, here is a product that was shared with me by one mom, who got it from another - and I feel every mother should have this in their laundry room, as it's kept every single item in Inara's wardrobe stain free (even some second hand items that came to me with a couple marks on them are now back to brand new after using this).  Ladies and Gentlemen (but probably more likely, just ladies) I give you my laundry secret weapon:

For those of you not aware, baby poop comes in all sorts of colors, but the most usual is a very bright mustard yellow, which stains like a you-know-what if you do not put something on it before washing.  A week or so ago, I had the unfortunate experience of having to clean up a diaper blow out - which just so happened took place on my lap, and since there was no putting Inara down, I grabbed the closest things, a light pink burp cloth, and a white bib and collected the offending substance as best I could before booking it to the nursery for a baby deep cleaning.  Once baby was happy and clean I sprayed everything down with my Baby Oxy Clean, and popped it all in the wash.  Everything came out brand new with nothing more than an awful memory to show for it... *shudder*.  Call me a snob, but I won't dress my child in anything with a stain - she's too damn cute to wear anything but the best, so when I bought 3 massive boxes of second hand baby clothes off a woman in a Mommy buy and sell group, I went through everything and examined for stains, and if I found some, I simply sprayed this miracle product on the mark, threw it in the wash, and it was back to brand new and ready for Inara.  Seriously - every mom needs this.  You don't even have to do laundry right away - just spray it on, and toss it in the hamper until laundry day!



Wipes:

Wipes are pretty standard - you want a moistened "paper cloth" to clean up your babies bottom - how hard could that be?   Well, not very.  I don't have a whole lot of opinions of wipes, anything will do really - but there are a few pros and cons about specific brands that I want to break down anyway. 

First of all - I'm not a huge fans of the Bamboo wipes: 

Sure they are organic, and natural and blah blah blah... but they are also so thin that on more than a couple occasions I couldn't get them to separate from each other, which resulted in tearing sheets in small bits - which is extremely frustrating when you are in a public bathroom balancing your child on a fold down change table and holding her ankles up with one hand while attempting to fight with the wipes package with the other.  As well, I found they are not as wet as I would prefer - one really wet wipe can do the job of 3 mildly wet wipes with a hell of a lot less irritation. 

As for the difference between Pampers and Huggies Wipes, I haven't really found one - they are pretty similar, however the containers that come with them, and the way you buy refills DO have a difference!  (oh yes folks, I get excited by wipe containers now... it's come to this). 

The pampers container is simple enough, it's a large white or green plastic container with a large snap lid for adding the wipe refills and a smaller flip up lid with an oval hole for pulling the wipes out.  It came with our first purchase of wipes, and served us fairly well for a while, although often the wipe you want, and the wipe next in line would fail to separate from each other causing me to have to wave my arm up and down in a frenzied attempt to pull them apart (and sometimes resulting in pulling another 3 from the container... again, all the while holding my daughters legs up with the other hand - Mothers are excellent at one handed tasks... usually).  It was an annoyance, but what do you expect from a plastic container?  As for the refills, they came in individually wrapped bundles about an inch and a half thick, that you would just have to unwrap and toss in the bottom of your container under the current wipes when they were getting low - no biggie. 

But then I bought Huggies wipes.  I didn't switch brands for any reason other than I was picking up diapers and wipes at Costco, and they don't sell the Pampers - so I grabbed a box of Huggies.  It also came with a container - but their container was SO MUCH BETTER!!

The Huggies container was outfitted with a sort of silicone grip where the wipe comes out - which works to separate each wipe, and pull the next one up, ready for action!  Had I known I could have saved myself all the arm waving, I would have switched sooner!  Also, the button to pop the top of this container is made with the same silicone material, which has a satisfying texture to it - I can't explain it, it's squishy... I like buttons... its the little things.  Come over some time, I'll let you try it, and then you'll understand.  Until then, please stop judging me. 

It also came with a little thin Travel container for the diaper bag - which Pampers didn't have, so another +1 Huggies. 

As for their refills, they did that right too - rather than buying little individial packages (which in the Pampers container you could only fit about 1 and 3/4 of one, so you could only add one bundle at a time which left room in the container, and I already expressed to you my love of having everything well stocked...).  You can buy the Huggies in large resealable packages:

And within each package they are organized in stacks (almost like they made a compression mark between sections, but there is no unwrapping or anything involved) that perfectly fit into your thin travel container - so one stack for the diaper bag container, or you can grab however thick a stack you need to fill up your Nursery Container.  Genius.  After so many years, I would really expect nothing but perfected details from these companies.  As for the wipe themselves, Huggies are slightly thicker - but honestly as long as it's wet and doesn't dry out baby's skin, a wipe is a wipe. 


Now as I type all this out, I am very aware that I just spent an hour plus writing about diapers and wipes, and comparing notes about leakage, wetness and squishy buttons, I make no appologies, this is my life now, and I'm writing these things down, so that my next pregnant friend reading my blog can go straight for the Huggies wipes container, skip the Parents Choice Diapers, and order herself some Muslin cloths, which are three less things she needs to guess about. 

I'm a strong advocate of learning from other people's mistakes and experiences, but how the hell are you ever going to know about them unless they spend an hour or two writing it all out, no matter how miniscule it all may seem?

So to my Preggo's, future preggo's and curious friends who probably have a baby shower or two to attend in the next bit - I hope you've picked up a tip or two, or at the very least, I've amused you by my writing and glimpse into my new world.

Stay tuned for the next installment - although when that will be is completely up to my daughter. 

:)

My one handed life

"Never leave your child unattended - always keep your hand on baby to ensure safety"

That's the general safety warning on most baby products, such as a baby tub, and a change pad.  It essentially means never to walk away from your child, so whatever you are doing - be it open a new diaper, or grab the baby lotion, you must always have one hand on baby.  That's what life is like when you become a parent too. 

No mater what we are doing from here on out, we will always have a hand on baby - whether physically or metaphorically.

Physically: My chores and tasks are scheduled around baby now (and poorly I might add - I'm hoping afternoon nap time becomes a little more scheduled as days go by, because waiting for a nap time that never comes to start dinner is making me a bad wife).  As well, the kid eats a lot... like a lot, and constantly.  She's a bit of an over acheiver in her weight category, and I spend the bulk of my day, making, warming, and washing bottles - often I'm trying to accomplish things while holding a bottle in my daughters mouth, which means I've gotten very good at the chin prop while I reach for something.

Metaphorically:  Running out to get groceries now becomes an ordeal in which we have to bundle Inara up in the car seat, and bring the stroller (or carry the car seat around the store), or - Ben goes alone and I stay home with pumpkin.  Everything we do includes Inara in some way these days - which I'm not complaining about, please don't get me wrong - I love every minute of it, but it has been a bit of a learning curve to always figure out how we are getting munchkin from A to B with us these days.  For example - it's Christmas season, and time for us to pick out a real tree from a lot and bring it home with us.  It was such a simple errand last year, and we had our tree and headed home in 20 minutes.  However this year, we have a problem.  We have to fold down the back seat in our hatchback to bring the tree home, and we can't put the seats down with Inara's car seat in the car - so that means she can't come with - meaning I can't either, and I can't help Ben pick out our tree this year.  That also means Ben has to carry and load the tree in the car by himself - which is difficult.  So now we need help - either for someone to watch Inara for us so we can get the tree, or for someone to go with Ben to help him out.  Bringing home a Christmas Tree - with one hand on baby.  Tonight when Ben gets home, his dad is going to go with him to get a tree, and then Mom and Dad are going to baby sit for us so Ben can go finish our Christmas shopping.  Our first night away from Inara is to run errands - welcome to parenthood :) 

This is what I'm meaning by one hand on baby - this tiny (okay maybe not so tiny) bundle of love has effectively rearranged how we do everything these days!  Watching a movie downstairs comes with a baby monitor and lots of pausing, a shower in the morning means taking Inara's bathtub out of the tub first, and going to bed means waking up at least twice before the morning alarm goes off.  Not to mention, I can't tell you how many times I had to choose between a shower or eating - because there is never time for both before she wakes up (and forget drying your hair!).  I also tend to eat my "breakfast" at 2pm while trying to burp a baby on my shoulder with one hand, and the other hand trying to bring my spoon of cold food to my mouth without dropping any on my small child.

No one is kidding when they say children change everything - it's so very true.  It's a hell of a ride, and I'm loving everything about it!  Of course we're failing at a few things - no one does parenting perfectly, and there have been times when the chores and cleaning get put to the side for tummy time, and doctor's appointments, but there's nothing wrong with that in my eyes.  In some cultures the new parent moves in with their mom for the first 2 months just to get by, so with that in mind, I'm content with the dust on my bookshelves.

In the time I wrote this, I fed Inara a bottle, changed her, and picked her up twice.  Now she needs to be changed again - but don't worry, I'll keep my hand on her on the change pad :) 

Breast is Best

"Breast milk is the optimum nutrition for your baby"

That's what it says on the top of my container of formula.  My baby is formula fed.  Here's my story: 


If you toughed it through my Birth Story, you probably know by now that Inara was brought into this world by Emergency C-Section.  If you didn't read the birth story - well, now you know.  It wasn't planned that way - obviously, but that was the hand I was dealt, and I have a healthy happy baby as a result. 

10 minutes after Inara was born, I was wheeled into a recovery room, and had a nurse suggest skin to skin contact with my baby - so they stripped me down to the waist, and plopped my naked baby on my chest.  Then another nurse squeezed my nipple to get some clostrum out (I've said it before, but when you have a baby you check your modesty at the door - your body is not your own, and having a nurse grab your boob without even saying a word to you suddenly seems natural after all you've been through).  Clostrum is the "milk" your body produces before your "milk comes in" it's like a super vitamin packed baby milkshake that they get their nutrients from while the hormones your body produces as a result of labour signals your body to start making milk - which shows up around 3-5 days post labour.  Once the nurse got a little clostrum out, she rubbed it on Inara's tongue, and walked away.  Inara - much to our amazement, squirmed her way over to my nipple and latched on.  This was my "breast feeding tutorial".  Now being partially frozen, I couldn't tell if her latch was correct or not - and no one corrected anything.  I just assumed that if Baby was eating, all was well and good. 

That night was the worst night as a new mom, for several reasons.  For one, I was recovering from major abdominal surgery, and couldn't get out of bed - let alone reach for my baby in the crib beside me, for two - because I was in recovery, I was in a shared room, and Ben was not able to spend the night with me - meaning I was all alone, sleep deprived, in pain, and doing everything for Inara alone (with the help of nurses when they had a chance - but they were understaffed that night, due to sick calls, as one nurse let me know.)

Now my water broke at 1am - I got one hour of sleep then, plus another at about 4am - then nothing.  By 6pm I was having trouble focusing as our family was meeting Inara for the first time.  When everyone left I tried so hard to sleep - but Inara wanted to be fed - again.  Since being born, this was my 5th feeding with her - and her feedings weren't short either - they were upwards of 45-60 minutes long, and then once she was done, she would cry for 10-15 minutes until I latched her again, and she fed for another hour.  This was my entire night.   At one point I had a very nice nurse bring me several pillows so I could create a little fort around Inara so that if I fell asleep nursing her (which was very possible since I was head nodding hard core) then I wouldn't drop her - which I was terrified of doing! 

For the whole night, I got a few 15 minute naps while Inara was nursing.  It was hell, I was deliriously tired, and I felt like the worst mom in the world because I could not figure out how to stop my child from crying (I also felt like an ass because on the other side of my curtain was another new mom trying to sleep and my baby was keeping her awake, while her baby didn't make a sound)!  I asked every nurse I met if it was normal for a new born who was supposed to have the stomach the size of a cherry to eat SO MUCH, and everyone said "it's good that she's eating so much!  You want that!"

Finally around 5am Inara tired herself out, and slept until 7, allowing me 2 hours of sleep before the gauntlet of nurses and doctors started coming around to check my blood pressure, incision, IV etc.  At 9am Ben arrived, and took Inara so I could steal another 30 minutes of sleep, and then we got the best news when a nurse arrived to tell us that a theme room opened up, and Ben could spend the night that night. 

For the three days in the hospital I nursed around the clock with Inara, and every time she would be done, she never seemed like she was satisfied, and the fussing and crying would begin again.  Ben and I both continued to ask the staff if this was normal, and everyone said it was great.  With all that nursing I also discovered that Inara's latching technique was not at all good - and feedings became more and more painful to me in which I would drive my nails into my palms, and scrunch my face tight to get through it - unfortunately though, once the damage is done, there will still be pain even after correcting the latch. 

On the 3rd day we were discharged and sent home, and I sent Ben out to buy me a breast pump.  After crying while Inara nursed, I decided that I didn't care if Inara got milk from me, or from a bottle, as long as she got my breast milk.  On Monday my health nurse stopped by to make sure everything was okay, and once again instructed me on proper latching technique, but also said that Inara had lost more than 10% of her birth weight, and she was now officially underweight.  As a result we were put on a strict 2 hour feeding schedule to get her back up to proper weight. 

That night at 1:30am Ben and I got up to feed Inara, and were met with a screaming baby who refused to latch.  After trying several times, and Inara screaming her lungs out - Ben finally told me to get the formula.  Once the first drip touched her lips, she was immediately silent, and ate like it was the first time in days - which is when we realized it had been.  All those 1 hour feedings, with the unsatisfied newborn, she was starving.  I was a glorified soother. 

Once I started pumping our suspicions were confirmed - I was producing only drops.  My body apparently didn't get the memo that my milk was supposed to come in.  After that first night of formula we had a completely different newborn - she slept 4 hours solid, and no longer cried in her sleep - feedings only took 5 minutes as she gulped the bottle, and often fell asleep immediately after.  She also started to gain weight which was the biggest relief.  In three days Inara gained 13 ounces, and we were informed we could go back to "on demand" feedings.  In the meantime I kept pumping to try to increase my supply, as well I took several herbal supliments to try to increase my milk production, but it was taking more and more days to produce one feeding of breast milk for her, and my own sanity was starting to break out of frustration. 

At Inara's 2 week checkup with our pediatrician, I requested a referral to the Breast Feeding Clinic to try to get some help.  I was told that the doctor would contact me for an appointment.  In the meantime I was still pumping but I was doing so less and less as each time I would spend the whole time peering into the bottles at the drips being produced, and getting more and more frustrated and angry. 

Last Monday I had a break down.  I was fine for most of the day, and then I started crying, and I cried for most of the afternoon.  I can't tell you why I was crying - it was the result of lots of things, and nothing all at once.  I just couldn't do anything but cry.  I didn't pump at all that day, I figured it probably wouldn't help my fragile state.  (Sidenote - I know my breakdown was a result of hormones crashing in my system - and I'm doing great now - I just needed that one day to cry my eyes out, and I'm over it now).    On Tuesday I pumped in the morning, and put my sad "drips" in the fridge.  By that afternoon they had started to evaporate - so I cleaned out the bottle and packed up the pump.  That was it. 

This morning (Friday) I still have not heard from the Breast Feeding clinic, but I did hear from a friend's sister who is a nurse, and after talking to her she confirmed what I had been thinking - by the third week, you can either do it, or you can't.  Your milk production is no longer hormonal, and is pretty established through supply and demand, and if all that pumping from the previous week still didn't produce even half an ounce, then it just wasn't going to happen. 

My child is formula fed - and there is nothing wrong with that.  They say "Breast is Best" - no.  You know what's best?  Having a healthy happy well fed child.  That's what's best.  And however you are able to accomplish that, whether through breastfeeding, pumping or formula - THAT'S what's best.  Now I didn't write this all for advice, and I certainly didn't write it for sympathy - what I wrote it for is to share my story.  I find in this information age, the more you know, the better off you are.  Once I started talking to people, I discovered that I'm not the only one this has happened to.  I'm not the only new mom out there who's milk didn't come in, or who struggled with producing enough.  The more I talk, the more people share their stories with me - but you don't know unless you say something.  We tend to have a self involved outlook of the world - feeling like what we are experiencing is exclusive to only us, and that kind of point of view can be very lonely.  Hearing that you are not alone, and being able to share an experience can mean the world to someone. 

So I write.  And I will keep writing.  Regardless of whether or not I ever hear from someone who's been helped by my writing - I will continue to write, and I will continue to share because I know what it means to me. 

The Birth Story

*** Warning***  I am going to write this post as candid as my usual posts - but this is not for the faint of heart, and my male friends and anyone not into reading about the nitty gritty of child birth should probably skip this post...



So there I was Wednesday night - writing my ranty 40 week blog post.  Complaining about the lack of baby, symptoms and signs.  I posted my blog at 11:30pm - waddled to the bathroom, crawled into bed, and shut off my light at midnight for what I assumed would be another restless sleep.

At 1am, Emmy crawled into bed with me, demanding cuddles and love, and waking me from my sleep.  As I shifted to make room for my fat black cat, I felt a gush.  What the HELL was that?!?  I pulled back the covers and felt around, and sure enough there was a wet spot.  My water broke!

Within seconds I forgot my single hour of sleep, and I was running on full adrenaline, as I shook Ben awake "Ben - Hunny, wake up - my water broke, we have to go to the hospital!!"  He jumped to his feet before he was even awake, and our very long night began!

I asked for a towel, and waddled to the bathroom - funny thing about amniotic fluid - there is no keeping it in, so you end up with the sensation of peeing yourself with no way to stop it - but you still try anyway.  Ben followed behind me with paper towels... true story... I left a path like a slug.  Child birth is just that glamorous!

Then I jumped in the shower, because when you wake up in a puddle, you kinda want to clean yourself up a bit before venturing out in public.  While I was showering Ben called the parents.  My mom's reaction was probably the best one:

Ben:  "Hey mom, just wanted you to know that Heather's water just broke..."
Mom: "Now, don't take anything she says to you personally..."

hahaha - Really Mom?  Your little girl is about to have a baby and your first thought is that I'm going to verbally abuse my husband in the process!?  Awesome. 

After Ben had a quick shave and a shower we headed to the hospital.  Truth be told I'm so glad this all went down in the middle of the night, considering the snow storm we had earlier that day, there wasn't a soul on the roads, which allowed us to drive 15 km/h on the skating rink that we call Edmonton the 6 blocks to the hospital.

By about 1:30am we were finding parking, and my contractions started approximately 6 minutes apart.  Right off the bat they just felt like bad menstrual cramps (you were warned boys).  They were there, and annoying, but nothing I hadn't dealt with in the past, and I actually had to stop and pay attention to them in order to acknowledge they were happening.  By 2am I was settled in my room and the doctor on call confirmed that my water did in fact break, but that my body was only progressed to 1.5cm dilated, and 25% effaced.  Basically meaning "you got some time - try to get some sleep".  Unfortunately - WHO CAN SLEEP AT A TIME LIKE THIS!?!   It took Ben and I until about 4am to finally nod off for about an hour, before the contractions started coming faster and more intense, and our sleeping time was over.  Also, here's a little known fact - once your water breaks, it's not just like a water balloon burst and it's over and done with - No no, your body continues to replenish all lost fluid continuously up until you deliver - which means it continues to leak out of you.  It's... pleasant.  after one particularly big contraction, I said to Ben "I either just peed myself, or my contractions are starting to gush the fluid out of me... "  That might have been to worst sensation of this whole ordeal.  I don't like feeling like I peed myself - and especially not every 4 minutes...

By 7am I was having contractions every 3.5-4 minutes, and they were getting more painful by the minute.   At 9am my OB came in to make her rounds and after witnessing me go through a very painful contraction, she checked me again and confirmed I was 3cm, and we could start induction.

By Noon I was completely out of it with every contraction - I went to another place.  I had been sitting on a birthing ball (read yoga ball, when it comes to pregnancy, everything gets a special "baby-type" name... it's a yoga ball) hanging on to the bed with Ben sitting behind me giving me a back rub pushing during contractions for counter pressure.  And with each contraction, my vision would tunnel, the room got far away, my whole body would shake and tears streamed from my eyes.  My body was giving out with each blip on the monitor.  Finally I asked for an epidural.  It's not that I couldn't tough through the pain, but I could tell my body was about to shut down to cope, and the last thing I wanted was for Ben to have to catch and hold up a very pregnant dead weight while he screamed for the nurses.  Thank God my body managed to progress to a 3 earlier, because they will not give an epidural for less than a 3 because it can impede progress. 

Once I got my epidural, the following hour was a blur - I was numb, and I felt as though I was drifting in and out of consciousness - even though I was listening to everything around me - I couldn't keep my eyes open, and my body went limp.  Thankfully this made my contractions completely painless - although, they started making me nauseous, causing me to frantically grab for the vomit basin at every one (although I still maintain my record of not throwing up even ONCE this entire pregnancy!  I just grabbed for the basin because I was really close!).

During this hour, I was aware of a LOT of people in the room with me, and a lot of wires, tubes and machines all over me.  Working head to toe, I had an oxygen mask on, then I had my epidural tube up over my left shoulder, then in my left hand I had my IV, with a heart rate monitor clamped to my index finger.  Then in my right arm I had a blood pressure cuff inflating every 3 minutes, and a nurse taking 4 vials of blood out of my inner elbow.  Then I had two monitors strapped to my belly - one monitoring the baby's heart rate, and the other monitoring my contractions, and then last but not least, I had a catheter put in - because being numb from boob down doesn't really help you hold your bladder.  Once again - Child Birth is Glamorous!

Through all the commotion I distinctly remember two conversations - one between the nurse, and Ben where he asked "is her reaction to the epidural typical?"  and the nurse responded "oh yeah, she's so exhausted from tensing up through all those contractions that when she gets the epidural everything relaxes and sometimes woman fall asleep".  The second conversation scared me.  I had my eyes closed, so the nurses assumed I was asleep, but I caught one nurse quietly say to the other "The babies heart rate is distressed with every contraction, something is wrong".  It turns out every time my belly monitor caught a contraction in which the little line on the monitor would draw a mountain peak, the other monitor was catching a fall in my babies heart rate with a matching valley.  That's not something a drugged up woman in labour wants to hear.

Sometime during all the frenzy in my room, I was examined again, and they discovered that my body reverse progressed, and I was back to 1.5cm.  I'm just glad I made it to 3 earlier to get the epidural, I couldn't imagine 12 hours without anything.  A moment later a nurse came in and said Dr. Barns was on her way in and was suggesting an emergency C-section.  Emergency anything in regards to your child is not a happy word, and after hearing that baby was distressed I started crying at the thought that there was something wrong, and that she wouldn't be okay.  Ben was my rock and tried to calm me down, but I could tell he was a little worried too.  Within minutes my already busy room was bustling with even more nurses dressed head to toe in scrubs, masks and hairnets, and got Ben dressed up too, and my bed was unhooked and rolling.

I honestly can't remember the trip to the OR, my mind was racing with what if's and I just kept crying.  I just remember getting to the room, and one nurse pointed to a chair in the hallway and said "this is Daddy's seat until we get her prepped" - and just like that - the only familiar face to me was told to sit in the hall, and I was rolled into the sterile cold bright room alone.

Then they shifted me to the operating table from the bed, and tightly wrapped my legs with bands and blankets so I couldn't move - while they strapped my arms out on either side of me on padded planks that swing out from the table.  I wasn't sure if I was shivering from fear or cold, but they got me a warm blanket to put across my arms and chest, and then began painting my belly and thighs with brown sticky antiseptic.  Then they unfolded a large blue sheet with a clear plastic circle in the center and placed it over my belly and pressed it down so that the brown sticky substance was holding the plastic in place.  Then finally they brought in Ben as they pinned one portion of the blue sheet up to prevent us from viewing my internal organs.

Once they checked again that I was indeed frozen, they started the C-section.  Now something I didn't know about a C-Section, is that you can't feel pain, but you can feel everything else.  I could feel them touching me, and pressing on me, I could pin point where the OB's hands were, and I could feel the pressure of them pushing the baby downward.  Actually that's an understatement - it was more than pressure - I had one OB SITTING ON MY CHEST, as she pushed with both hands on my rib cage to push Lump toward the incision site.  I stopped breathing at one point, only because there was so much weight on top of me that I could not inflate my lungs!  I thought for certain I was going to end up with cracked ribs!!  THIS was NOT what I was expecting when I pictured a C-Section... they don't tell you this part.  (But I'm telling you - because if you ever find yourself in the same situation, then perhaps you won't have the same panic I went through because I wasn't expecting the ordeal to be so... violent).  As it turns out, my umbilical cord was on the short side, and was wrapped around babies neck, so each time my uterus contracted and tried to push her downward, the cord would essentially strangle her - hence the drop in her heart rate.  This was the definition of Emergency. 

Within 3-5 minutes I heard her cry, and I have never heard a more beautiful sound in my life.  Tears streamed down my face, and I sobbed - finally - she was here!  My OB came around the curtain to show us the screaming purple baby for just a mere moment before taking her to get weighed and cleaned off.  The nurses called Ben over to cut the umbilical cord, and I just reveled in the moment, listening to "she's so cute!"  and "that's a big baby!" as I continued to cry.  A moment later Ben returned showing me the pictures he took on the camera - and she was, indeed a BIG baby!  8 pounds, 7 ounces, bright pink, chubby cheeks, and screaming!  She's perfect!

She was born at 1:59pm, November 8th, 2012 -  13 hours from my water breaking, and 2 days after my due date.

10 fingers

10 toes

Daddy's eyes

Mommy's nose

Inara Kalyna - Welcome to the world baby girl.

40 weeks

So here it is!  The big day!  The day we have been counting down for!  40 weeks - 12 weeks shy of a year, and the official start of the 10th month (oh yes, when they say pregnancy is 9 months, what they mean is 10 - 4 weeks in a month, 40 weeks = 10 months).  It's only those ladies that go into labour before they reach the 40 that get a 9 month pregnancy.  I have been writing blog posts, and taking belly pictures, and documenting symptoms, twitches, movements, and experiences all along waiting for this day... and then....


NOTHING.

Kind of anti-climactic I suppose...  Not that I was expecting her to arrive on her due date - not at all, I'm not so naive that I believe that something as natural as child birth would know it had a schedule, let alone follow it!  But I am left feeling a little let down... I mean, what do we count down to now?  Where is our end date?  Will it be another week?  Or two?  Perhaps just a day?  An hour maybe?  ... I kind of liked it better when I had something to count towards...

Without my countdown, I'm feeling a little - out of control I suppose.  No control makes a Virgo... something something...  (go crazy - for those of you who missed the Simpsons reference).  I'm just feeling like all this anticipation and excitement sort of fizzled out, and although I know she won't stay in there forever, and I really am just max a week or two away from meeting her, I'm starting to feel like the day will never come!  I have literally spent the last 3+ weeks just waiting for her!  I've killed time on the internet, I've read books, I've watched TV and gone for walks.  Every conversation revolves around her, every phone call, text, and email asks about her, every room in my house has something baby related in it, and it keeps her on my mind first and for most constantly.  I've looked up countless signs and symptoms searching for some clue that she's on her way, and Nadda. 

See that's the biggest frustration... it's not even so much as the fact that I have to wait a little longer, it's more the fact that I don't seem to be progressing towards actually going into labour at all!  I think I could stand to wait a little longer if I was actually experiencing contractions, or if any of the other symptoms were prevalent in my daily life - however, that's simply not the case.  I've just continued on being pregnant, and I've failed to progress to the next stage and start early labour!  How can a baby possibly be born if my body won't kick start into the next level?

Anyway, I'm whining.  I'm aware of it.  I'm just ready - you know?  I did the pregnancy thing, and I feel I did it quite well, I put in my 40 weeks, and I prepped my finances, my home, my body, my life - now I just want to hold my baby girl in my arms!  Ben, of course, is feeling the same frustrations, however in a slightly different light.  He's just as excited, but he's got an outside perspective, so rather than just know that no labour is happening, he's left wondering if every gasp or grunt uttered by his very pregnant wife is the real deal, and each time his spouse hauls herself out of bed in the wee hours of the night, his heart jumps a beat hoping that "this is it!" only to be let down time and time again "no hunny, I just can't sleep" "I just had to pee - go back to sleep"  "I need to take some tums, I have heartburn".

Come on Dear Lump... we want to meet you!!

In my last blog post, I mentioned two other girls who were due the same week as I was - I of course had the 6th, Tessa had the 7th, and Lynn had the 8th.  Well Tessa gave birth to her precious little girl on Nov 3rd - and Lynn welcomed her beautiful baby girl to the world on Nov 6th.  And I.. well, I'm writing a blog post.  

Anyway, I'm going to stop complaining, I could have it worse - much worse, I'm just feeling sorry for myself.  But it's my blog, and I'm entitled a ranty blog post here and there.  It's not all sunshine and rainbows on this end!

There isn't much to report on this week, Halloween came and went, and we ended up with about 20 kids, which is a 400% increase from last year!  Wooo!  ... I really hope some younger families move into our neighborhood soon!  The retiree's always have nice lawns, but they aren't much for the little community celebrations Ben and I would love our little girl to experience through the year!  I was lamenting our older community to Ben's dad the other day, and he cut me off to say there is nothing wrong with retiree's - I agree, there isn't!  However since we happened to be having this conversation while having dinner with his oldest dearest friend, whom grew up right across the street from him when he was a child, I felt that it was appropriate to point out, that sometimes it's nice to have your best friend live down the street when you are little.  I would love that for Lump, to have a childhood friend just a few houses down, that she could grow up with - I didn't really have that in my neighborhood.  All my friends were on the other sides of major roads, and at least 20 minutes away by walking - not exactly down the street.  It made for boring summers, and I always wished we had more kids in our neighbourhood when I was growing up. 

One of the only times I can recall leaving the house this week was when we went to Erik and Athena's on Saturday to record a Podcast with Erik about our upcoming parenthood experience.  Erik has a nifty new microphone, and decided to start recording podcasts about his life, and his friends -  interviewing people in his social circles and just having fun conversations together.  With Ben and I expecting our little one, Erik asked if we would guest star and talk about the new chapter in our life.  We ended up talking for an hour, and as usual with Erik, we had a lot of fun!  I'm excited to hear how it all turned out! 

On Monday the sun came out, and dried up all the snow giving us a gorgeous day of blue skies and dry roads.  I decided to go in to work with Ben so that I could meet up with Melissa for a long over due lunch date (her work is much closer to Ben's office rather than my house)!  We had previously made plans weeks before but the day before our date was when my car broke down, and then the following week was my snow related panic attack behind the wheel, so I was excited when I discovered everything would melt on Monday and we could finally meet up!  It was needed - I've been feeling much like a hermit lately, and it was nice to get outside and see a friend! 

On Tuesday I had my 40 week due date appointment, and unfortunately was met with a little more disappointment with the state of my pregnancy as I am still sitting at a 1 on the scale of 1 to baby (10).  No change, no progress - and unfortunately, no induction for at least another week.  My OB (who is excellent I might add) doesn't like to induce before 41 weeks as she has found that induction when your body is not at least starting early labour can lead to an emergency C-Section - which I would like to avoid.  Of course I would like to meet my little one this week, however I would rather not put her or myself at risk of an emergency anything, so I will wait longer if that's what it takes. 

I do have an induction appointment for next week if Lump doesn't decide to make her appearance before then, but until then, I'm trying all the Old wives tales I can get my hands on to try to start this labour off now!  Wish me luck!!  Red Raspberry Leaf Tea, Castor Oil, Pineapple, Spicy Food... the list goes on, and I'm working my way down it!  It's time Lump!  As Ben says "she doesn't get an eviction notice, that can take days - she gets an evacuation notice - she needs to leave the premise immediately!"

Recap  (last one... maybe?)

How far along? 40 Weeks

Total weight gain: 33 Pounds  - holding steady this week
Inches gained in the waist: 12 1/2” (48” waist now!) same as last week

Maternity clothes?  Yes and no, I mostly live in my men’s sweat pants, and Ben’s shirts.  I have 2 maternity shirts that still fit, and one pair of pants – everything else has been put away. 

Stretch marks? No more, thankfully, but I still have the one’s that showed up around week 36

Sleep: Crappy at best.  The last couple days I’ve managed to get 6 hour stints, which is an improvement from the 4 hour stretchs from last week – but I miss my solid night sleep.

Best moment this week: Leaving the house to see Erik and Melissa!

Miss Anything?   This list just keeps getting longer – but the main thing is moving with ease, I feel like such a beached whale when I can’t seem to get myself off the couch for a bathroom break without a whole lot of kicking, flailing, and rocking back and forth!  The other night I straight up had to ask Ben to help haul me up since I couldn’t do it on my own! 

Movement:  Oh lots and lots!  She has been showing off her adorable little rump lately by pushing it out so my normally round belly ends up severely lopsided with a baseball sized bump protruding from the right side! 

Food cravings:  Nothing. 

Anything making you queasy or sick:  Nope

Gender: GIRL!     

Labor Signs: Nothing really – the odd BH contraction – but no patterns.   

Symptoms:   What don’t I have?!?

Belly Button in or out? Less “In” and more “flat”  my belly button is neither an innie nor an outie… it’s just a mark on a very round tummy with a slight depression around it.
Wedding rings on or off? Off – I decided to pack away the replacement ring too.  Just in case

Happy or Moody most of the time:  Mostly happy, but getting a little anxious now. 

Looking forward to:   Holding her in my arms!! 

Dear Lump

We are waiting for you.  We all are.  We can't wait, well we can, but we don't want to.  Even now, as you swim around in your safe little home, you are so very very loved.  Can you feel it?

Can you feel the love pouring into you?  All those hands that softly brush over your various limbs, and rump trying to decipher which part is which.  Each time you go to turn over and you are met with a hand pushing back to try to feel your roll - that's excitement and love.  We can't stop talking about you, to you - feeling you move and kick - we love everything about you!  

Dad and I have your room all ready, I hope you like it!  It's taken us much longer than we had intended, but it was truly a labour of love, and we wanted it to be perfect for you!

Grandma and Grandpop T ask about you every time I talk to them, Grandma K is so excited she shows all her friends and family every photo of my ever growing tummy, Auntie Dee is counting down the days until she meets you, and Uncle Jonathan is excited to fill your toy chest with lots of noisy toys that will drive Mommy crazy!! 

Every morning when Daddy and I wake up, Daddy puts his hands on my belly to feel you move around, and says good morning to you.  In case you are confused, Daddy is the one who sounds like the Austrian weight lifter when he talks to you - you'll understand why in a few years.  Daddy can't wait to meet his little girl!  I know he's going to be a big softy with you, as soon as you smile at him with those big chubby cheeks, he'll be yours!

Speaking of those cheeks of yours, we've already taken a few pictures of you!  As I type this and you are still deep inside my tummy, Daddy and I already have several photos of you on our fridge so we can see you every day!  It looks like you have my nose already!  I cannot wait to see you in person, to be able to look into your eyes, and brush my finger across your cheek.  Will you have hair?  Will you look like me?  The anticipation is killing me!

Daddy and I are trying so very hard to be patient.  We would be thrilled if you wanted to join us tomorrow, but at the same time, we want you to come when you are good and ready, and if that means waiting another week - then we will do so.

I have a feeling you will love our little pet as well - whenever Emmy curls up on my lap and purrs you end up rolling around, and trying to get closer to him!  I hope you are fast friends!  He's a pretty great little guy, and we're very fond of him.  I hope you love him as much as we do!

I'm sure you are wondering by now, why we keep calling you Lump - no, that's not the name we have choosen for you, but Daddy and I wanted to keep your real name to ourselves for the meantime.  It's a name I heard years and years ago, even before I met Daddy, and I fell in love with it instantly.  I hope you love it as much as I do, I think it's going to be very fitting for you, and I've given it a lot of thought.  Your nickname, "lump" came after you moved my whole tummy to the right to snuggle closer to Emmy one evening, and I wasn't sure which part of you I could feel, but my stomach ended up to be a large misshapen lump, and the name just stuck.  It's also a way to keep your name a secret until you arrive - we wanted something to announce to our family and friends when you arrived, and calling you Lump in the meantime worked out.  People knew who we were talking about, and we got to keep your name a secret just a little longer, but we're getting so close to telling people now!

You will be here within 2 weeks now!  After 9 months of waiting and anticipating, suddenly we are sitting at the final count down, going to the final doctors appointments, and waiting for you to arrive -finally!  I think this is the hardest wait of this whole experience!  To know that in just a couple days or weeks we will get to hold you in our arms after all this time - but to have no idea what day that will happen!  Please get here soon little Lump!

We have so much love to give you - we all do.  You have the most amazing family, and countless aunts and uncles who are itching to meet you.  Come out and see!

Love Mommy and Daddy  XXOO